Maria-sama ga Miteru Volume 3 Chapter 7
As time pa.s.sed, Shiori meant more and more to me.
September, where the shadow of summer had not yet fully receded.
I had trouble adapting to the peaceful day-by-days, despite the fact that it hadnt changed since before the break. This campus, which provided me glittered, warm days all through summer, suddenly felt suffocating. Because we were in different grades, our time together was limited, no matter how close to each other we were. Whenever I became free, I wanted to see Shiori. I began thinking about Shiori all through cla.s.s, too.
Naturally, I began wishing I could melt into Shiori, to be absorbed into her.
What is this feeling?
What lies in wait at the end of this path, as I want more and more for someone else?
I couldnt understand what was different about this feeling from a heteros.e.xual relationship.
I loved Shioris mind. The body was simply a vessel, an accessory, something to encase the valuable good.
But I became confused.
I want to be with Shiori.
I dont want to let go of Shiori.
I want to become one with Shiori.
What is this feeling?
I read through tons of romance stories. Maybe there would be someone that understood how I felt, and could explain how I felt. But in the end, it simply made me despise books.
Even the most masterful of stories were simply textbooks about events that had occurred to the author.
I read stories about h.o.m.os.e.xual love, but my answer was still never to be found.
Then I began reading books about biology, and about reproduction.
In the end, all I thought was that, maybe, the traffic light inside me had broken. If heteros.e.xual love is born out of the desire to produce children, then how about our relationship, where it was impossible to take half of our genes and produce a child? Why are we so drawn to each other? I didnt know.
Even the moon seemed to be bearing down on me. I never thought about not being a girl, but I began seriously questioning why gender exists.
I seriously, seriously envied the hermaphrodite worms.
Without an answer, the season turned its page to the school festival, so I began attending the meetings at the Rose Mansion.
Despite wanting to be together, Shiori was needed by her cla.s.s to work on their exhibit, so she was always stuck in her cla.s.sroom until late. Even if I was willing to boycott my cla.s.s for Shiori, I couldnt request the other way around. That said, I wasnt interested in helping my cla.s.s with their exhibit either, so I killed time by wandering around campus, until Shiori finished. Thats when Youko caught me and dragged me to the Rose Mansion.
"If youre not doing anything, come help."
The onee-sama welcomed me, not saying anything about my usual att.i.tude. While they probably had tons they wanted to say, they made it feel like I was simply interacting with people whom Id been with every day. Everyone at the Rose Mansion acted this way.
On one hand it made me happy, on the other hand it felt like they were being too considerate, so I had trouble accepting their feelings. Anyways, I went to the Rose Mansion on a daily basis to kill time.
Attending the meetings for the school festival preparation wasnt as boring as I expected.
That sharp, perfect Ogasawara Sachiko was actually extremely hateful of boys, and Hasekura Rei, Erikos little sister, actually was a lot more of a girl than she looked, and I enjoyed myself interacting with the true personalities of the first-years.
Thats when I thought.
In truth, its supposed to be unacceptable that Rosa Gigantea en bouton doesnt have a sœur by this point. While I would have flat-out refused, if peopled tried to force me, no one bothered to make me act. At best, it was only Youkos meaningful stare. Onee-sama was probably fending for me, but I didnt know how to repay it.
Once, I suggested to onee-sama that she should cut ties with me and find another sister. I had no intention of making Shiori my sister, and I couldnt exchange vows with another person just for show.
"No."
Onee-sama laughed once and rejected.
"Im not a pitiful grandmother that simply wants to see her grandchild once. I dont care who becomes Rosa Gigantea after you. But please dont break our promise. Until I graduate, youre going to be by my side."
If I became a third-year and had no sister, Id just cross that bridge when I got to it, onee-sama said, as she played with my hair. So theres no need to fret yourself. Just walk the path you chose.
Everyone had gone home by the time we had that conversation, and onee-samas words soaked into my heart. Once again I realized how worthy onee-sama was of the t.i.tle "Rosa Gigantea." I didnt think Id be able to say such kind words when I became a third-year.
The school festival ended peacefully, and the Yamayurikai-sponsored play received favorable opinions.
I resumed keeping my distance from the Rose Mansion when Youko grabbed me in the hallway.
"What?"
"Oh dont look at me like that, like Im the plague or something."
Youre not? I imagined asking. She must have sensed it, as Youko laughed, bitterly.
"You seem to hate me quite a bit. &h.e.l.lip; Well, I dont blame you. Im clumsy, so I cant take care of you as well as Rosa Gigantea."
"What part of you is clumsy?"
Meddlesome, mannered, honor student, beautiful. She looked like a complete mistress, and she still claimed to be clumsy with other people?
"Come with me, just this once."
Without waiting for an answer, Youko began walking. I still had time before I was to meet Shiori. So I reluctantly followed her.
"Do you remember what I said before?"
Confirming there was no one in the area, Youko invited me into the courtyard.
"Another sermon?"
I expected it, but it killed me. I didnt like other people talking to me about Shiori, and when it was Youko, for some reason, it agonized me the most.
"I said before that you should keep your distance."
"Did you."
"I still think it. No, rather, I feel stronger about it, now. You should cool your head and re-think your intimacy with Shiori-san."
It felt a bit lonely in the courtyard. The flowers that were so vibrant during spring and summer were gone, and only the wild chrysanthemum flowers were in scarce bloom.
"You dont know anything about us."
It was just meant as a short check, what I told Youko.
"Then, what do you know about Shiori-san?"
I stumbled, not expecting the counter.
"What&h.e.l.lip;"
I knew. Shioris pure soul, her clear, striking voice, her divine face. -What more did I need to know?
"It might be a bother, but listen. I dont think you should go any further."
"Yes, it is a bother. Whyre you telling me this, anyways?"
"Because I dont want to see you get hurt."
Youko said something completely unexpected. I didnt understand why that would cross her mind. Me, hurt? How?
"It looks to me like youve devoted everything to Shiori-san. Have you two even talked about the future? Shiori-san is probably strong, so its alright for her, but Sei, have you even thought about the damage youll take when Shiori-san is gone?"
"Future? Shiori gone?"
Youko began saying phrase after phrase, like she was a jack-in-the-box, surprising me over and over again.
Indeed, wed never talked about the future.
But at the very least, our relationship would be unchanged during school. As long as we went to the Lillian university after high school, we could stay together. I would be able to see Shiori every day. If Shiori wanted to attend a different school, I could take the exams to go there, too.
As long as we lived like that, eventually wed hopefully find an answer to our relationship. I was procrastinating my answer for five years.
"You really havent been told anything, have you."
Youkos tone began shifting from sympathy to bewilderment. It was unpleasant. I didnt like being sympathized, but I hated feeling like people were speaking behind my back.
"What do you mean."
"After graduating high school, Shiori-san is to enter a convent. How do you not know this?"
"-What."
I didnt understand what Youko was saying.
"Shes going to become a sister."
I felt like my blood was being drained.
"Lies."
"Why would I lie? Just to make a friend hate me?"
"But&h.e.l.lip;"
Id never heard that, not once. Shiori was a devout Christian, but not all devout Christians had to become sisters. But at the same time, I thought it was the perfect fit for Shiori. After all, Id first sought for help from her.
"&h.e.l.lip; I need to ask Shiori."
Youko touched my shoulder, "Are you alright?" I wasnt, but I managed to nod.
I needed to go to Shiori as soon as possible.
I dont remember where and how I ran. But I realized Id made it to the sanctuary, where we planned to meet.
Shiori wasnt here. Usually this meant she was praying inside.
This time, that simply spurred my irritation. Usually I felt awed by her chast.i.ty, but now, that faith simply felt like an enemy, tearing my beloved away.
"Shiori."
Entering, I harshly called her name. Shiori was in the same seat as she was when we first met, and she slowly stood up and turned around.
Noticing me take large strides toward her, she must have felt something, and she asked, "What happened?"
"When you graduate high school, youre becoming a sister?"
Grabbing both of Shioris shoulders, I asked for the truth.
I wanted her to deny it. Even if it was a lie, I wanted Shiori to say that was wrong, I wanted her to become angry at the people who spread such a rumor, and I wanted her to apologize to me.
But the reality was harsh.
"Yes."
Shiori looked straight at me and answered.
"It was decided upon before I entered this school."
"Then why did you hide it from me!?"
"I wasnt hiding it. I just didnt know when to say it. And there was nothing we could do about it."
"Nothing we could do about it-"
I didnt know what else to say. No, I never had the right to intercede on it, from the start. Shiori didnt tell me because it never mattered to me. I felt ridiculous, realizing that.
"I loved Shiori, but you didnt?"
"I never-"
"You were just comfortable, knowing this was just until you graduated?"
Without knowing this all, I felt stupid, having seriously pondered over our future.
"I love Sei. You may not believe me anymore, but Id never loved someone like this before, ever."
"Then why?"
Why are you going to somewhere I cant? If you love me, you dont have to go away from me like this.
"I love Sei."
Shiori said again.
"But&h.e.l.lip;, Im sorry, my existence just ended up hurting you."
In my stead, Shiori began crying. I didnt think I was that fragile. But I realized that Shioris tears were enough to wound me, like Youko had guessed.
"You have to become a sister, no matter what!?"
With lingering affection, I persisted.
"If you love me, tell me you wont. Dont disappear from me."
"Sei&h.e.l.lip;"
I was unsightly. But no matter how unsightly I became, I didnt want to give up.
"Youre picking G.o.d over me? There are others thatll become sisters, but I only have Shiori! Youre going to abandon me!?"
"It was my wish to become a sister. I decided it when my parents died."
I wasnt a good enough person to rejoice in a friend who found what she wanted to do. It was different from a friend who went to study overseas, because there was hope that she would come back. But Shiori was going to walk through the convent gates, determined to present her life to G.o.d. She would never come back to me.
"Please, dont criticize me like that."
Shiori looked away.
"Tell me youll stop."
I sidestepped back in front of her.
"I already decided."
"Then why cant you look in my eyes and say it? Isnt it because youre still thinking!?"
"No-"
I began hating Shiori for sliding back, so I chased her and grabbed her.
"Shiori."
I love you, I said, and I kissed her.
"&h.e.l.lip; Stop."
As we touched, a sharp pain ran through my face. It seemed like Id be slapped by a resisting Shiori.
"Maria-sama is watching&h.e.l.lip;!"
Right behind Shiori was a statue of Maria-sama, casting a benevolent smile upon us.
"Is that your answer&h.e.l.lip;?"
Shiori didnt say anything. But she looked straight at me, breathing deeply.
"Alright."
I nodded and turned away from Shiori.
Suddenly, I understood everything. I lost to Maria-sama.
The Maria-sama that I derided for being a 2000-year-old ghost.
To a constructed statue. Me.
It was so absurd I couldnt even cry.
Deep down, I hoped Shiori would stop me, but I slowly walked away from the sanctuary.
I never heard Shioris voice.
And I never turned around.