What Color Is Your Parachute? Part 25
1. We can catch up on our sleep, even if it means we have to take naps during the day because our attempt to sleep at nighttime is, at the moment, a disaster. We tend to feel depressed if we are short on our sleep, or our body is otherwise run-down.
There are two states that can be easily confused:
First of all, the world never looks bright or happy to us when we are very short on sleep.
Secondly, the world never looks bright or happy to us when we are feeling depressed.
It is therefore easy to confuse the two feeling-states. Over the years, I have seen many job-hunters who first thought they were really depressed over their situation, later discover they were really depressed just because they were so tired. Or a bit of both. Anyway, sleep or nap, we often turn into happier, more upbeat people, just by catching up on our sleep. This can make us feel better-sometimes much better.
2. There are other things that we can do to keep ourselves more physically fit while unemployed. Job-hunters have told me they found it important to: get regular exercise, involving a daily walk; drink plenty of water each day (this seems silly, but I found out we tend to skip the water, and get dehydrated, when we're out of work); eliminate sugar as much as possible from the diet; take supplementary vitamins daily (no matter how many doctors and nutritionists try to tell us that we already get enough from our daily food); eat balanced meals (not just pig out on junk food in front of the telly); and all that other stuff that our mothers always told us to do.
3. We can do something about the physical s.p.a.ce around us. Our surroundings often mirror how we feel about ourselves. If our physical environment looks like a disaster area, that in itself can make us depressed. When we are unemployed, we can vow we will live simpler-something that maybe we've wanted to do, for a long time. We can begin by taking care that each time we handle a thing, we take it all the way to its new destination; we don't just drop it on the counter, thinking that we will deal with it later. We can take care that when we take our clothes off at night, we don't just drop them on the floor, but hang them up or put them in a laundry-hamper. And that, when we finish eating, we put the dishes where they are going to be washed, and put our food back in the refrigerator. And we can determine that when we do such things as get a screwdriver out, to fix a screw that's dropped out of something, that we take the screwdriver all the way back to the tool box or wherever its final destination is. And so on.
When we determine to always put our things away in a timely fashion, neatness will start to appear in our physical environment; this can help lift our spirits immensely, as our physical s.p.a.ce mirrors an upbeat life.
4. We can get outdoors daily and take a good walk. Hiding in our cave (figuratively speaking) will only make us feel more down. Seeing green trees (in season), sunlight, mountains, flowers, people, will do our heart good, each day.
5. We can focus on other people and their problems-not just our own. If our unemployment is dragging on and on, and we're starting to have a lot of time on our hands, we can find someplace in town that is dealing with people worse off than we are, and go volunteer there. I'm talking food banks, hospitals, housing aid, anything dealing with kids-especially deprived kids, or kids with tremendous handicaps-that sort of thing. We can do a search on Google, put in the name of our town or city plus the name of the problem we want to help with, and see what turns up. If we determine to help someone else in need, while we're unemployed, we won't feel so discarded by society.
And speaking of other people, we can renew our acquaintance with old friends. We can explore the friendships we already have, not because they are useful in our job-hunt, but just because they are valuable human beings. A wise man named Phillips Brooks used to say there are two kinds of exploration: one involves going out to explore new country; the other involves digging down more deeply into the country we already occupy. Do both, when you're feeling down.
6. We can go on fun mini-adventures. Often there are portions of our surroundings that we have never explored, but a tourist would "hit" on, the very first day they were there. I lived in New York City for a long time; never once went up in the Empire State Building. I lived in San Francisco for years; never once went out to the Zoo. You get the point. If I lived in either of these cities today, and was unemployed for any length of time, I would set out to visit places I'd never seen. We can stop obsessing about how much we lost from our past, and turn our face toward the future. There are new worlds to conquer, after all.
7. We can deal with our feelings by expanding our mental horizons, and learning something new. We can go read up on subjects that have always interested us, but we've never had enough time to explore. While we're unemployed, we have the time. If we can't think of any subject, there's always the human mind. The mind, after all, is what is trying hard to figure out what we should do next. The more we understand it, the better we can heal. If you're looking for suggestions, I'd read anything by Martin Seligman. There's Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, which, as one reviewer commented, "vaulted me out of my funk." It has excellent chapters on dealing with depression. Or there's Seligman's most recent book, Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. If you want to delve into improving your memory, there's Joshua Foer's Moonwalking with Einstein: The Art and Science of Remembering Everything. And, last but not least, if you want to learn more about how one mind influences another mind, there is Robert B. Cialdini's Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. All these authors have extensive videos on YouTube.
Speaking of videos, there are a million free videos online, where you can learn just about anything. In addition to videos, there are videocasts, webcasts, podcasts, and every other kind of -cast. You can type the word "webcast," plus the subject in which you are interested, into your favorite browser like Google, and then pick through whatever turns up. There are also, of course, books. For our Kindle Fire or Nook or iPad, or from online bookstores like Amazon or Barnes & n.o.ble, there are tons of eBooks available, running around ten bucks, or a little more.
Another subject to explore is the world around us. I love The Unofficial U.S. Census: Things the Official U.S. Census Doesn't Tell You About America, by Les Krantz and Chris Smith. My favorite factoid there, because it's related to what I was talking about in our first suggestion: "More than one-third of Americans take naps." Yes!
8. We can talk, talk, talk with our loved ones, or a close friend, about all the feelings we have. It's amazing how giving voice to thoughts and feelings, particularly when we don't much care for those thoughts and those feelings, causes them to lose their power over us. So we should do it, because otherwise stuff bottled up inside us tends to fester and grow. We don't want that. We must just take care that we don't pick the town gossip to confide in, nor a friend or loved one who just can't keep their mouth shut. You know who they are.
9. We can pound a punching bag or even some pillows, to get some of the angry energy out of us. I don't know why, but it's astonishing how many of the unemployed have told me this actually helps them get rid of some of their anger. And this helps lift our depression as well. Sometimes feeling down, and feeling angry seem almost to be two different sides of the same coin. If we don't have a gym in our life we can build one at home, simply by putting a pile of pillows on top of our bed, and then pounding the pillows repeatedly, as hard as we can-without breaking anything in our hands, wrists, or arms. This often really helps. We are strange creatures.
10. We can make a list each day of the things that make us grateful, glad, or even happy, day by day. There is a habit of mind that is deadly while we're out of work, and that is spending too much of our day, every day, brooding about what is wrong in our lives: what is wrong with people, what is wrong with our situation, what is wrong with anything and everything. By listing the things we are thankful for, we teach ourselves to focus on what precious gifts we still have, whether they be intelligence, health, or love.
If we want to get over being depressed, it is crucial that we give up endless complaint, it is crucial that we come to forgiveness for any past wrongs done to us, it is crucial that we, as Baltasar Gracian put it, "Get used to the failings of our friends, family, and acquaintances.... " We are all human. We are all capable of turning our face toward the future, rather than toward the past.
Postscript
Millions of people in this country have no religious beliefs. But untold millions do. And it is not uncommon that for them, unemployment turns out to be a major spiritual crisis in their life. They cry out, "How could G.o.d have let this happen to me-if He truly loved me?" Their faith, far from helping them out of depression, often plunges them into it. They write me and ask for some help and advice. Here is what I tell them.
We can revisit our picture of G.o.d and how He works in this world. In the Christian church, for example, the Creed does not begin with "I believe there is a G.o.d.... " It begins with "I believe in G.o.d.... " I think we all understand this distinction, between believing something about a friend of ours, say that she is tall, or smart, versus believing in that friend. To believe in someone is to trust them, and to trust that they feel toward us as they say they feel.
We can, instead of abandoning our faith, put some energy into rethinking our faith on a higher level. Some 89% of us in the U.S. say we believe in G.o.d, but the question is, What kind of G.o.d do we believe in? Half a century ago, a man wrote a book t.i.tled, Your G.o.d Is Too Small. Unemployment or any crisis often reveals how poor and small our concept of G.o.d is. It is small because it holds G.o.d responsible for everything that happens in the world.
Each of us has to figure this out for ourselves. But since people have asked me what I think, after eighty-five years on this Earth, my thoughts ramble along in this fashion: In the Christian faith, Jesus said the most important thing in the world, to G.o.d, was that we love Him. Robots can't love. He has to give us freedom so we can choose to love, or not. With that freedom, however, comes the possibility that we will make wrong choices, and thus introduce tragedy into the world. Look at the mess the world is in right now. Look at Congress. G.o.d didn't do that!
Well, then, what does G.o.d do? To what larger conception of G.o.d might we press? Let's try this: imagine that you have, in your dining room, a fine wooden chair, which one day has its back broken off completely-I mean, into smithereens-by a guest in your home. You run down the street, to summon a carpenter who lives nearby. He comes and examines the chair. He p.r.o.nounces the back unrepairable. "But," he says, "I think I could make a fine wooden stool out of the remainder of the chair, for you." And so he spends much time, shaping, polishing and sanding it, and fashioning out of the former chair a fine stool, more resplendent than anything you have ever dreamed. He inlays it with precious metals, and soon it is the treasure of your house.
This is, of course, a parable. And I know you understand it. But let me underline a couple of key points in it. First of all, the carpenter did not break the chair. Your houseguest did that. But the carpenter came quickly, and with all his art and powers he tried, first of all, to see if he could repair it. Finding it was too late for that, he determined to make of it something even finer than it had been before. And, he labored mightily, to that end. A beautiful stool was the result.
A faith that thinks G.o.d is responsible for our unemployment, and He could have and should have prevented it, needs to grow up. It is too small a faith. It has too small a G.o.d.
While we are out of work, we can reach toward a larger conception of our G.o.d and of ourselves. For, "to believe in G.o.d" has the power to lift us out of depression, unless our G.o.d is too small.
We can realize that religion isn't necessarily a blessing. Much depends on whether it is healthy religion, or unhealthy religion. Your choice. Here is the distinction between them: To download a printable PDF of this image, please visit http://rhlink.com/para14028 Feelings are often a messenger bringing gifts, if only we open our eyes to see them. If our feelings while we are out of work push us to get more sleep, drink more water, get more physically fit, get outdoors more, look harder at other people who are worse off than we are, renew old neglected friendships, embark on mini-adventures, expand the horizons of our mind, and get us to rethink our faith, then that is a gift indeed. A great gift.
1. Alan B. Krueger and Andreas Mueller, "Job Search, Emotional Well-Being and Job Finding in a Period of Ma.s.s Unemployment: Evidence from High-Frequency Longitudinal Data," Brookings Papers on Economic Activity, March 8, 2011. Found on the Web at http://tinyurl.com/4olmpj9.
2. Serious clinical depression often has a lifelong history, and requires treatment, particularly when a person is feeling endangering impulses, such as suicide. In such a case, you should seek competent psychological or psychiatric help. (For immediate help, this minute, call 1-800-273-8255 or go online to www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There are counselors 24/7 at both places who deal with anyone, including the military or veterans, in trouble.)
Appendix C
A Guide to Choosing a Career Coach or Counselor
If You Decide You Need One
All readers of this book divide into two families, or groups. The first group are those who find the book is all they need, particularly if they do the exercises in chapter 7 successfully, on their own.
The second group are those who find they need a little bit of extra help. Either they bog down in their effort to complete the whole book, or they start the exercises in chapter 7 and then get stuck, at some point. So they want some additional help.
Fortunately, there are a lot of people out there, anxious to help you with your job-hunt or career-change, in case this book isn't sufficient by itself. They go by various names: career coach, career counselor, career development specialist, you name it. They're willing to help you for a fee-because this is how they make their living. That fee will usually equal the fee charged by other types of counselors in town, say a good psychologist. That will range from about $40 an hour in rural areas, on up to ... you don't want to know. The fee may be charged by the hour (recommended) or as one large lump sum up front (definitely not recommended). And most towns or cities of any size have free or almost-free help, too, even though it's likely to be in a group and not face-to-face with an individual counselor. For "free," or "almost free," see Susan Joyce's marvelous website (job-hunt.org, or as she likes to say, "job dash hunt dot org") for the section called Networking and Job Search Support by State, at http://tinyurl.com/7a9xbb.
Now, about those coaches or counselors who charge to help you. There are some simply excellent ones, out there. In fact, I wish I could say that everyone who hangs out a sign in this business could be completely recommended. But-alas! and alack!-they can't all be. This career-coaching or career-counseling field is largely unregulated. And even where there is some kind of certification, resulting in their being able to put a lot of degree-soundin' initials after their name, that doesn't really tell you much. It means a lot to them of course; in many cases, they purchased those initials with their blood, sweat, and tears. (Although a few, sad to say, got the initials after their name by mail-order or after one long weekend of training. Tsk, tsk. But, oh well, no different I suppose from a lot of other professions. Some people are always looking for shortcuts.) I used to try to explain what all those initials meant. There is a veritable alphabet-soup of them, with new ones born every year. But no more; I've learned, from more than forty years of experience in this field, that 99.4% of all job-hunters and career-changers don't care a fig about these initials. All they want to know is: do you know how to help me find a job? Or, more specifically, do you know how to help me find my dream job-one that matches the gifts, skills, and experience that I have, one that makes me excited to get up in the morning, and excited to go to bed at night, knowing I helped make this Earth a little better place to be in? If so, I'll hire you. If not, I'll fire you.
How to Lose Your Shirt (or Skirt)
So, bye-bye initials! Let us start, instead, with this basic truth: All coaches and counselors divide basically into three groups: a) those who are honest, compa.s.sionate, and caring, and know what they're doing; b) those who are honest but don't know what they're doing; and c) those who are dishonest, and merely want your money-large amounts, in a lump sum, and up front. These are often so-called executive counseling firms-some executive counseling firms-rather than individual counselors.
In other words, you've got compa.s.sionate, caring people in the same field with b.u.ms and crooks. Your job, if you want help and don't want to waste your money, is to learn how to distinguish the one from the other.
It would help, of course, if someone could just give you a list of those who are firmly in the first category-honest and know what they're doing. But unfortunately, no one (including me) has such a list, or ever has had. You've got to do your own homework or research here, and your own interviewing, in your chosen geographical area. And if you're too lazy to take the time and trouble to do this research, you will deserve what you get.
Why is it that you and only you can do this particular research? Well, let's say a friend tells you to go see so-and-so. He's a wonderful coach or counselor, but unhappily when you meet him he reminds you of your Uncle Harry, whom you detest. b.u.mmer! But, no one except you knows that you've always disliked your Uncle Harry.
That's why no one else can do this research for you-because the real question is not "Who is best?" but "Who is best for you?" Those last two words demand that it be you who "makes the call."
A special word, here, to those considering paying any firm that focuses on executives or people who make or would like to make a high salary. (This warning is regarding firms, not individual counselors.) If you are an executive you are considered a fair target for any scam the mind can imagine. New ones appear every year. I have consulted with the Federal Trade Commission in Washington, and States Attorneys General over the years, where they have described the scams to me in detail. I have collected news items, done individual interviews with those who got "taken," and I wish I could tell you about individual firms, but that's not my job. Do your own research. If you are considering signing up with any such firm, Google them first: you will come across timely research about any firm. Example: http://corcodilos.com/blog/3219/theladders-how-the-scam-works-2. If you are too lazy to do this research, and subsequently get "taken," let me share the words a Scotsman once said to me, when I got "taken": "I'm sorry ya lost yer money, but ya dinna do your homework."
Now, for all my other readers: your dilemma is between categories a and b. How do you find an honest counselor who knows what they're doing, and can give you a little bit of help, if you bog down in using this book, most especially chapter 7?
The first bright idea that will occur to you might be something along the lines of "Well, I'll just see who Bolles recommends." Sorry, no such luck. I rarely if ever recommend anyone. Some of the coaches or counselors listed in the Sampler at the end of this Appendix, try to claim that their very listing here const.i.tutes a recommendation from me. Oh, come on! They're there because they asked to be. I ask a few questions, but I don't have time to do any thorough research on them. This Sampler is more akin to the Yellow Pages, than it is to Consumer Reports. Let me repeat this-as I have for forty years now-and repeat it very loudly:
The listing of a career counselor or coach in this book does NOT const.i.tute an endors.e.m.e.nt or recommendation by me. Never has meant that. Never will. (Any counselor or coach listed here who claims that it does-either in their ads, or brochures, or publicity-gets permanently removed from this Sampler the following year after I find out about it, and without warning.) This is not "a hall of fame"; it is just a Sampler of names of those who have asked to be listed, and have answered some reasonable questions.
Consider the listings as just a starting point for your search. You must check them out. You must do your own homework. You must do your own research.