The Wit and Humor of America Volume I Part 24
The Orang-Outang A sea-song sang, About a Chimpanzee Who went abroad, In a drinking gourd, To the coast of Barberee.
Where he heard one night, When the moon shone bright, A school of mermaids pick Chromatic scales From off their tails, And did it mighty slick.
"All guests are here, To eat the cheer, And dinner's served, my Lord."
The butler bowed; And then the crowd Rushed in with one accord.
The fiddler-crab Came in a cab, And played a piece in C; While on his horn, The Unicorn Blew, _You'll Remember Me_.
"To give a touch Of early Dutch To this great feast of feasts, I'll drink ten drops Of Holland's schnapps,"
Spoke out the King of Beasts.
"That must taste fine,"
Said the Porcupine, "Did you see him smack his lip?"
"I'd smack mine, too,"
Cried the Kangaroo, "If I didn't have the pip."
The Lion stood, And said: "Be good Enough to look this way; Court Etiquette Do not forget, And mark well what I say: My royal wish Is ev'ry dish Be tasted first by me."
"Here's where I smile,"
Said the Crocodile, And he climbed an axle-tree.
The soup was brought, And quick as thought, The Lion ate it all.
"You can't beat that,"
Exclaimed the Cat, "For monumental gall."
"The soup," all cried.
"Gone," Leo replied, "'Twas just a bit too thick."
"When we get through,"
Remarked the Gnu, "I'll hit him with a brick."
The Tiger stepped, Or, rather, crept, Up where the Lion sat.
"O, mighty boss I'm at a loss To know where I am at.
I came to-night With appet.i.te To drink and also eat; As a Tiger grand, I now demand, I get there with both feet."
The Lion got All-fired hot And in a pa.s.sion flew.
"Get out," he cried, "And save your hide, You most offensive _You_."
"I'm not afraid,"
The Tiger said, "I know what I'm about."
But the Lion's paw Reached the Tiger's jaw, And he was good and out.
The salt-sea smell Of Mackerel, Upon the air arose; Each hungry guest Great joy expressed, And "sniff!" went every nose.
With glutton look The Lion took The spiced and sav'ry dish.
Without a pause He worked his jaws, And gobbled all the fish.
Then ate the roast, The quail on toast, The pork, both fat and lean; The jam and lamb, The potted ham, And drank the kerosene.
He raised his voice: "Come, all rejoice, You've seen your monarch dine."
"Never again,"
Clucked the Hen, And all sang _Old Lang Syne_.
THE BILLVILLE SPIRIT MEETING
BY FRANK L. STANTON
We had a sperrit meetin' (we'll never have no more!) To call up all the sperrits of them that's "gone before."
A feller called a "medium" (he wuz of medium size), Took the contract fer the fetchin' o' them sperrits from the skies.
The mayor--the town council--the parson an' his wife, Come to shake han's with them sperrits what had left the other life; The Colonel an' the Major--the coroner, an' all Wuz waitin' an' debatin' in the darkness o' the hall.
The medium roared, "Silence! Amanda Jones appears!
Is her husband present?" ("No, sir--he's been restin' twenty years!") "Here's the ghost of Sally Spilkins, from the lan' whar' glories glow: Would her husband like to see her?" (An' a feeble voice said, "_No_!")
"Here's the wife of Colonel Buster; she wears a heavenly smile: She wants to see the Colonel, an' she's comin' down the aisle!"
Then all wuz wild confusion--it warn't a bit o' fun!-- With "Lord, have mercy on me," the Colonel broke an' run!
Then the coroner got skeery an' scampered fer his life!
"Stop--stop him!" said the medium; "here comes his second wife!"
But thar' warn't a man could stop him in that whole blame settlement.-- He turned a double summersault an' out the winder went!
Then, the whole town council follered an' hollered all the way; The parson said he had a call 'bout ten miles off, to pray!
He didn't preach nex' Sunday, an' they tell it roun' a bit, Accordin' to the best reports the parson's runnin' yit!
A CRY FROM THE CONSUMER
BY WILBUR D. NESBIT
Gra.s.shoppers roam the Kansas fields and eat the tender gra.s.s-- A trivial affair, indeed, but what then comes to pa.s.s?
You go to buy a panama, or any other hat; You learn the price has been advanced a lot because of that.
A glacier up in Canada has slipped a mile or two-- A little thing like this can boost the selling price of glue.
Occurrences so tragic always thrill me to the core; I hope and pray that nothing ever happens any more.
Last week the peaceful Indians went a-searching after scalps, And then there was an avalanche 'way over in the Alps; These diametric happenings seem nothing much, but look-- We had to add a dollar to the wages of the cook.
The bean-crop down at Boston has grown measurably less, And so the dealer charges more for goods to make a dress.
Each day there is some incident to make a man feel sore, I'm on my knees to ask that nothing happens any more.
It didn't rain in Utah and it did in old Vermont-- Result: it costs you fifty more to take a summer's jaunt; Upon the plains of Tibet some tornadoes took a roll-- Therefore the barons have to charge a higher price for coal.
A street-car strike in Omaha has c.u.mulative shocks-- It boosted huckleberries up to twenty cents a box.
No matter what is happening it always finds your door-- Give us a rest! Let nothing ever happen any more.
Mosquitoes in New Jersey bite a magnate on the wing-- Result: the poor consumer feels that fierce mosquito's sting: The skeeter's song is silenced, but in something like an hour The grocers understand that it requires a raise in flour.
A house burns down in Texas and a stove blows up in Maine, Ten minutes later breakfast foods in prices show a gain.
Effects must follow causes--which is what I most deplore; I hope and pray that nothing ever happens any more.
A DISAPPOINTMENT