The Wit and Humor of America Volume IX Part 8
"I wish we could--"
"Oh, well, if you want to; but I propose that we don't make them the offer until next year or the year after. We shall have our matters arranged better by that time."
"And now about Isaac Wickersham?"
"Have you seen him lately?"
"Two or three days ago."
"Did he seem discontented or unhappy?"
"No."
"You promised to help him?"
"What I said was, 'We are going to do something for you, Isaac'"
"Something! That commits us to nothing in particular. Was it your idea, Mary Jane, to make him an allowance?"
"Yes."
"There you cut into our insufficient income again. I don't see how we can afford it with all these expenses heaping up on us; really I don't."
"But we must give him something; I promised it."
George thought a moment and then said:
"This is the end of September and I sha'nt want this straw hat that I have been wearing all summer. Suppose you give him that. A good straw hat is 'something.'"
"You remember Mrs. Clausen, George?"
"Have we got to load up with her, too?"
"Let me explain. You recall that I told her I would try to make her comfortable, and when I found that our circ.u.mstances were going to be really straitened, I sent her my red flannel petticoat with my love, for I know she can be comfortable in that."
"Of course she can."
"So this afternoon when I came up from the city she got out of the train with me and I felt so half-ashamed of the gift that I pretended not to see her and hurried out to the carriage and drove quickly up the hill. She is afraid of horses, anyhow."
"Always was," said George.
"But, George, I don't feel quite right about it yet; the gift of a petticoat is rather stingy, isn't it?"
"No, I don't think so."
"And, George, to be perfectly honest with ourselves now, don't you think we are a little bit meaner than we were, say, last June?"
George cleared his throat and hesitated, and then he said:
"I admit nothing, excepting that the only people who are fit to have money are the people who know how to take care of it."
OUR POLITE PARENTS
BY CAROLYN WELLS
SEDATE MAMMA
When guests were present, dear little Mabel Climbed right up on the dinner-table And naughtily stood upon her head!
"I wouldn't do that, dear," Mamma said.
MERRY MOSES
Merry, funny little Moses Burnt off both his brothers' noses; And it made them look so queer Mamma said, "Why, Moses, dear!"
JOHNNY'S FUN
Johnny climbed up on the bed, And hammered nails in Mamma's head.
Though the child was much elated, Mamma felt quite irritated.
A MERRY GAME
Betty and Belinda Ames Had the pleasantest of games; 'Twas to hide from one another Marmaduke, their baby brother.
Once Belinda, little love, Hid the baby in the stove; Such a joke! for little Bet Hasn't found the baby yet.
TOM AND GRANDPA
From his toes up to his shins Tom stuck Grandpa full of pins; Although Tom the fun enjoyed, Grandpapa was quite annoyed.
BABY'S LOOKS
Bobby with the nursery shears Cut off both the baby's ears; At the baby, so unsightly, Mamma raised her eyebrows slightly.
JEANETTE'S PRANKS
One night, Jeanette, a roguish little la.s.s, Sneaked in the guest room and turned on the gas; When morning dawned the guest was dead in bed, But "Children will be children," Mamma said.