The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 2
But there ain't but darn few pholks who put their money in matrimony who could set down and giv a good written opinyun whi on arth they c.u.m to did it.
This iz a grate proof that it iz one ov them natral kind ov acksidents that must happen, jist az birds fly out ov the nest, when they hav feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why.
Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.
Sum marry for money, and--don't see it.
Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and then very sensibly c.u.m tew the conclusion that pedigree ain't no better than skimmilk.
Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns, and are surprized tew learn that their relashuns don't care a cuss for them afterwards.
Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted sum whare else; this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel; pride may make it endurable.
Sum marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, _but it iz the strength ov the game_.
If marrying for love ain't a suckcess, then matrimony iz a ded beet.
Sum marry bekauze they think wimmin will be ska.r.s.e next year, and liv tew wonder how the crop holds out.
Sum marry tew git rid ov themselfs, and diskover that the game waz one that two could play at, and neither win.
Sum marry the seckond time to git even, and find it a gambling game, the more they put down, the less they take up.
Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder whare all the happiness on earth goes to when it dies.
Sum marry, they kan't tell whi, and liv, they kan't tell how.
Almoste every boddy gits married, and it iz a good joke.
Sum marry in haste, and then set down and think it careful over.
Sum think it over careful fust, and then set down and marry.
Both ways are right, if they hit the mark.
Sum marry rakes tew convert them. This iz a little risky, and takes a smart missionary to do it.
Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm, heavily mortgaged, and working the ballance ov yure days tew clear oph the mortgages.
Married life haz its chances, and this iz just what gives it its flavour. Every body luvs tew phool with the chances, bekauze every boddy expekts tew win. But i am authorized tew state that every boddy don't win.
But, after all, married life iz full az certain az the dry goods bizziness.
No man kan swear exackly whare he will fetch up when he touches calico.
Kno man kan tell jist what calico haz made up its mind tew do next.
Calico don't kno even herself.
Dri goods ov all kinds iz the child ov circ.u.mstansis.
Sum never marry, but this iz jist az risky, the diseaze iz the same, with no other name to it.
The man who stands on the bank shivvering, and da.s.sent, iz more apt tew ketch cold, than him who pitches hiz hed fust into the river.
Thare iz but phew who never marry bekauze they _won't_ they all hanker, and most ov them starve with slices ov bread before them (spread on both sides), jist for the lack ov grit.
_Marry yung!_ iz mi motto.
I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about.
If enny boddy asks yu whi yu got married, (if it needs be), tell him, _yu don't reccollekt_.
Marriage iz a safe way to gamble--if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu loze, yu don't loze enny thing, only the privilege ov living dismally alone, and soaking yure own feet.
I repeat it, in italicks, _marry young!_
Thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz--_a second marriage_.
FASHION'S PRAYER.
Kind Fortune may thi mersys endure forever; smile thou out ov thi loving eyes upon this fine bust ov mine.
Strengthen mi husband, and may hiz faith and hiz money hold out to the last.
Draw the lamb's wool ov unsuspicious twilight over hiz eyes, that mi flirtashuns may look to him like viktorys, and that mi bills may strengthen hiz pride in me.
Bless, oh! Fortune, mi crimps, rats, and frizzles, and let thi glory shine upon mi paint and powder.
When i walk out before the gaze ov vulgar man, regulate mi wiggle, and add nu grace tew mi gaiters.
Bless all dri goods klerks, milliners, manty-makers and hair-frizzers, and give immortality to Lubin and hiz heirs, and a.s.sighns forever.
Lead me bi the side ov colone waters, and fatten mi calves upon the bran ov thi love.
Blister, oh! Fortune, with the heat ov thi wrath, the man who treds upon the trail ov my garments.
Take mi two children oph from mi hands, for they bother me, and take them to be thi children, and bring them up to suit thiself.
When i bow miself in worship, grant that i may do it with ravishing elegance, and perserve unto the last the lily-white ov mi flesh, and the taper ov mi fingers.
Smile thou graciously, oh! Fortune, upon mi nu silk dress, now in the hands of the manty-maker, and may it fit me all over like unto, as the ducks foot fitteth the mud.
Destroy mine enemys with the gaul ov jealousy, and eat thou up with the teeth ov envy, all thoze who gaze at mi style.