The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 108
Ans.--Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and musketoze.
Qu.--Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust, or last?
Ans.--I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the last word.
Qu.--Who are the only real temperance folks in the world?
Ans.--The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare.
Qu.--Iz it proper under enny circ.u.mstances tew use the word _d.a.m.n_ as a tonick?
Ans.--It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn't worth a dam.
Qu.--What iz one ov the princ.i.p.al dutys we owe to our country?
Ans.--The customs.
Qu.--Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being drank up by the Red see?
Ans.--I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city.
Qu.--Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart?
Ans.--The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and repeats itself on the tumestun.
Qu.--If yu waz _blest!_ with a boy, which ov the lernt profeshions would yu dedikate him to?
Ans.--The shumakers.
Qu.--Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life?
Ans.--Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity.
Qu.--Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man's life?
Ans.--Immediately after he haz did a square thing.
Qu.--Is whiskee a tonick?
Ans.--No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men into bruits.
Qu.--Iz revenge a viktory?
Ans.--Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals enny quicker.
Qu.--Don't you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the ancients?
Ans.--I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust invented.
Qu.--What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder?
Ans.--When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder.
Qu.--If i couldn't hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be?
Ans.--Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest.
Qu.--Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the sorry Christian?
Ans.--Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius heft, but i don't think the Lord ever takes the length of a man's face for a suit of heavenly clothes; he measures the soul.
Qu.--What iz the best cure for love?
Ans.--Tew liv on it.
Qu.--What iz the best cure for pride?
Ans.--A fall on the ice before folks.
Qu.--What iz a sik old bachelor like?
Ans.--A coc.o.o.n.
Qu.--What iz an excuse?
Ans.--The finesse ov reason.
Qu.--What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch?
Ans.--At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to undress and go in.
Qu.--Where do the vain go tew when they die?
Ans.--A barber's shop.
LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.
Theze three places are wet spots.
I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be mistaken about this.
Upon my arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at once tew drink the water, but it did not answer mi expektashun.
I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but mineral water aint mi fort.