The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 56
GOOD TOAST.
AT a dinner in Springfield, Ma.s.s., recently, a lady sent the following volunteer toast:--"_Spruce_ old bachelors--the _ever greens_ of society."
NEW CAUSE OF IMPRISONMENT.
A COUNSEL having been retained to oppose a person justifying bail in the Court of King's Bench, after asking some common-place questions, was getting rather aground, when a waggish brother, sitting behind, whispered him to interrogate the bail as to his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly asked, "When, Sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The bail, a reputable tradesman, with astonishment declared that he never was in a gaol in his life. The counsel persisted; but not being able to get any thing more out of him, turned round and asked his friendly brother, for what the man had been imprisoned? The answer was, "_For suicide_." Without hesitation, he then questioned him thus: "Now, Sir, I ask you on your oath, and remember I shall have your words taken down, were you not _imprisoned_ in Gloucester gaol _for the crime of suicide_?"
THE BISHOP ANSWERED.
AN ignorant rector had occasion to wait on a bishop, who was so incensed at his stupidity that he exclaimed, "What _blockhead_ gave you a living?" The rector respectfully bowing, answered, "Your lordship."
SIMPLICITY _vs._ WIT.
A COUNTRY b.o.o.by boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." The other, filling his gla.s.s, said, "My service to you, Mr.
_Wiseacre_!"
AN ELIGIBLE CORPS.
MR. BENSLEY, before he went on the stage, was a captain in the army. One day he met a Scotch officer who had been in the same regiment. The latter was happy to meet his old messmate, but was ashamed to be seen with a player. He therefore hurried Bensley to an unfrequented coffee-house, where he asked him very seriously, "Hoo could ye disgrace the corps by turning a play-actor?" Mr. Bensley answered, that he by no means considered it in that light; on the contrary, that a respectable performer of good conduct was much esteemed, and kept the best company.
"And what, man," said the other, "do you get by this business of yours?"
"I have," replied Mr. B., "at present an income of near a thousand a year." "A thousand a year!" exclaimed Saunders, astonished, "_hae ye ony vacancies in your corps?_"
AN INVITATION.
A LITTLE girl, who was at dinner among a large party, fearing she had been forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread upon her plate, saying at the same time to a boiled chicken near her, "_Come biddy, come!_"
AN ARCH QUESTION.
DOMINICO, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, which was served in gold, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, of whom he was a favourite, said, "Give that dish to Dominico." "_And the partridges too, Sire?_" said the actor. The king repeated, smiling, "And the partridges too."
IF THE CAP FITS.
THE following advertis.e.m.e.nt was some years ago posted up at North Shields:
"Whereas several idle and disorderly persons have lately made a practice of riding on an a.s.s belonging to Mr. ----, the head of the Ropery stairs; now, lest any accident should happen, he takes this method of informing the public, that he has determined _to shoot his said a.s.s_, and cautions any person who may be riding on it at the time, to take care of himself, lest by some unfortunate mistake he should shoot the _wrong one_."
A PRIVILEGED PLACE.
A BEAU highwayman and a miserable chimney sweeper were to be hanged together at Newgate for their respective deserts. When the ordinary was exhorting them, previously to the execution, the latter brushed rather rudely against the former, to hear what the parson was saying. "You black rascal!" said the highwayman, "what do you mean by pressing on me so?" Poor sweep, whimpering, said, "_I am sure I have as good a right here as you have._"
ADVANTAGE OF SPECTACLES.
DR. FRANKLIN always wore spectacles. One day, on Ludgate hill, a porter pa.s.sing him was nearly pushed off the pavement by an unintentional motion of the doctor. The fellow, with characteristic insolence, exclaimed, "d.a.m.n your spectacles!" Franklin, smiling, observed, "It is not the first time they have _saved my eyes_."
A RARE BIT.
THE following extract from the inimitable "Autocrat of the Breakfast Table," is a fair specimen of the author's genius for humor:
Do I think that the particular form of lying often seen in newspapers, under the t.i.tle, "From our Foreign Correspondent," does any harm?--Why, no,--I don't know that it does. I suppose it doesn't really deceive people any more than the "Arabian Nights," or "Gulliver's Travels" do.
Sometimes the writers compile _too_ carelessly, though, and mix up facts out of geographies, and stories out of the penny papers, so as to mislead those who are desirous of information. I cut a piece out of one of the papers, the other day, which contains a number of improbabilities, and, I suspect, misstatements. I will send up and get it for you, if you would like to hear it.----Ah, this is it; it is headed
"OUR SUMATRA CORRESPONDENCE."
"This island is now the property of the Stamford family,--having been won, it is said, in a raffle, by Sir ----Stamford, during the stock-gambling mania of the South-Sea Scheme. The history of this gentleman may be found in an interesting series of questions (unfortunately not yet answered) contained in the 'Notes and Queries.'
This island is entirely surrounded by the ocean, which here contains a large amount of saline substance, crystallizing in cubes remarkable for their symmetry, and frequently displays on its surface, during calm weather, the rainbow tints of the celebrated South-Sea bubbles. The summers are oppressively hot, and the winters very probably cold; but this fact cannot be ascertained precisely, as, for some peculiar reason, the mercury in these lat.i.tudes never shrinks, as in more northern regions, and thus the thermometer is rendered useless in winter.