The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 53
A CHRISTIAN PRECEPT.
A PHYSICIAN seeing old Bannister about to drink a gla.s.s of brandy, said, "Don't drink that poisonous stuff! brandy is the worst enemy you have."
"I know that," answered Charles, "but we are commanded _to love our enemies_."
VANITY HUMBLED.
A CONSEQUENTIAL Scotch laird riding on the footpath of the high road between Edinburgh and Dalkeith, met a respectable farmer-looking man on foot, whom he insolently ordered to get out of the way. The other answered,
"I am in the proper way, while you very improperly ride on the footpath."
"Do you know, Sir, to whom you are talking?"
"Not I, indeed."
"I am Mr. ----, of ----."
"Very likely."
"And I am one of the trustees for this road."
"Then you are a very bad trustee, thus to misuse the foot-way, and interrupt pa.s.sengers."
"You are an impudent scoundrel, and I have a great mind to have you laid by the heels. What is your name, fellow?"
"_Henry, Duke of Montague._"
A LESSON.
A MISER having heard of another still more parsimonious than himself, waited on him to gain instruction. He found him reading over a small lamp, and having explained the cause of his visit, "If that be all,"
said the other, "we may as well put out the lamp, we can converse full as well in the dark." "I am satisfied," said the former, "that as an economist I am much your inferior, and I shall not fail to profit by this lesson."
A LEGISLATOR.
AN Irish member, adverting to the great number of _suicides_ that had occurred, moved for leave to bring in a bill to make it a capital offence!
DEAR WINE.
MR. ELWES, who united the most rigid parsimony with the most gentlemanly sentiments, received a present of some very _fine wine_ from a wine merchant, who knew that nothing could so win his heart as small gifts.
It had the effect to obtain from him the loan of several hundred pounds.
Mr. Elwes, who could never ask a gentleman for money, and who was a perfect philosopher as to his losses, used jocularly to say, "It was indeed very fine wine; for it cost him twenty pounds a bottle."
A GOOD HIT.
A GENTLEMAN being out a-shooting with Mr. Elwes, missed a dozen times successively. At length, firing at a covey of partridges, he lodged two pellets in Mr. Elwes's cheek, which gave him considerable pain; but on the other apologizing, and expressing his sorrow for the unfortunate accident, "My dear Sir," said the old man, "I give you joy of your improvement; _I knew you would hit_ something _by and by_."
SPENDING TIME.
"WHAT makes you spend your time so freely, Jack?"
"Because it's the only thing I have to spend."
THE LESSON PROFITED BY.
AN attorney traveling with his clerk to the circuit, the latter asked his master what was the chief point in a lawsuit. He answered, "If you will pay for a couple of fowls to our supper, I'll tell you." This being agreed to, the master said, "The chief point was _good witnesses_."
Arrived at the inn, the attorney ordered the fowls, and when the bill was brought in, told the clerk to pay for them according to agreement.
"O Sir," said he, "where are your _good witnesses_?"
BLACK WORK WELL PAID.
A CLERGYMAN meeting a chimney sweeper, asked whence he came?
"I have been sweeping your reverence's chimneys."
"How many were there?"