The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 5
THE late Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to the late Mr.
Peach, a veterionary surgeon, "Mr. Peach, how is it you have not called upon me for your account?"
"Oh," said Mr. Peach, "I never ask a gentleman for money."
"Indeed!" said the Vicar, "then how do you get on if he don't pay?"
"Why," replied Mr. Peach, "after a certain time I conclude that he is not a gentleman, and then I ask him."
CHARLES JAMES FOX AND HIS FRIEND.
I SAW Lunardi make the first ascent in a balloon, which had been witnessed in England. It was from the Artillery ground. Fox was there with his brother, General F. The crowd was immense. Fox, happening to put his hand down to his watch, found another hand upon it, which he immediately seized. "My friend," said he to the owner of the strange hand, "you have chosen an occupation which wilt be your ruin at last."
"O Mr. Fox," was the reply, "forgive me, and let me go! I have been driven to this course by necessity alone; my wife and children are starving at home." Fox, always tender-hearted, slipped a guinea into the hand, and then released it. On the conclusion of the show, Fox was proceeding to look what o'clock it was. "Good G.o.d!" cried he, "my watch is gone!" "Yes," answered General F., "I know it is; I saw your friend take it." "Saw him take it! and you made no attempt to stop him?"
"Really, you and he appeared to be on such good terms with each other, that I did not choose to interfere."--_Rogers' Table-talk._
MINISTERIAL DRINKING.
STOTHARD the painter happened to be, one evening, at an inn on the Kent Road, when Pitt and Dundas put up there on their way from Walmer. Next morning, as they were stepping into their carriage, the waiter said to Stothard, "Sir, do you observe these two gentlemen?" "Yes," he replied; "and I know them to be Mr. Pitt and Mr. Dundas." "Well, sir, how much wine do you suppose they drank last night?"--Stothard could not guess.--"Seven bottles, sir."
PARR AND ERSKINE.
DR. PARR and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their time. At a dinner some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasies with the conversational powers of Lord Erskine, called out to him, though his junior, "My Lord, I mean to write your epitaph." "Dr. Parr," replied the n.o.ble lawyer, "it is a temptation to commit suicide."
SENATORIAL PECULIARITY.
A FEW days since, says the _New York Courier_, Mr. Wise appealed to the Speaker of the House of Representatives for protection against Mr.
Adams, who, he alleged, was "_making mouths at him_." Precisely the same complaint was subsequently made by a gentleman from Ma.s.sachusetts, against Mr. Marshall of Kentucky; but the latter gentleman defended himself by saying, "It was only a _peculiar mode he had of chewing his tobacco_."
FAMILY FLEAS.
WHEN the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked by his landlord how he slept, he replied, "Union is strength; a fact of which some of your inmates seem to be unaware; for had they been unanimous last night, they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" exclaimed Boniface, affecting great astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted his lordship, "they are all married, and have uncommonly large families."
PULPIT PLEASANTRY.
ONE day, Naisr-ed-din ascended the pulpit of the Mosque, and thus addressed the congregation:--"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am going to say to you?" "No," responded the congregation. "Well, then,"
said he, "there is no use in my speaking to you." And he came down from the pulpit. He went to preach a second time, and asked the congregation, "Oh, true believers, do you know what I am going to say to you?" "We know," replied the audience. "Ah, as you know," said he, quitting the pulpit, "why should I take the trouble of telling you?" When next he came to preach, the congregation resolved to try his powers; and when he asked his usual question, replied, "Some of us know, and some of us do not know." "Very well," said he, "let those who know, tell those who do not know."--_Turkish Jest-book._
AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND.
THE other day, Mrs. Snipkins being unwell, sent for a medical man, and declared that she was poisoned, and that Mr. Snipkins did it. "I didn't do it," shouted Snipkins. "It's all gammon; she isn't poisoned. Prove it, doctor--open her on the spot--I'm willing."
BRUMMELL.
"MAY I help you to some beef?" said the master of the house to the late Mr. Brummell. "I never eat beef, nor horse, nor anything of that sort,"
answered the astonished and indignant epicure.
BATHOS.
SOME years ago, during a discussion respecting the Bank of Waterford, an Honourable Member said, "I conjure the Right Honourable the Chancellor of the Exchequer to pause in his dangerous career, and desist from a course only calculated to inflict innumerable calamities on my country--to convulse the entire system of society with anarchy and revolution--to shake the very pillars of civil government itself--and to cause _a fall in the price of b.u.t.ter in Waterford_."
DANGEROUS VISITS.
A PERSON who was recently called into court, for the purpose of proving the correctness of a doctor's bill, was asked by the lawyer whether the doctor did not make several visits after the patient was out of danger?
"No," replied the witness, "I considered the patient in danger as long as the doctor continued his visits!"
NONSENSE.