The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 23
ALL THE RECIPROCATING ON ONE SIDE.
"CAN you return my love, dearest Julia?" "Certainly, Sir, I don't want it I'm sure."
HOW HE MEANT TO DO BETTER.
A FEW days since, as a lady of rather inquisitive character was visiting our county seat, among other places she called at the Jail. She would ask the different prisoners for what crime they were in there. It went off well enough, till she came to a rather hard looking specimen of humanity, whom she asked:
"What are you in here for?"
"For stealing a horse."
"Are you not sorry for it?"
"Yes."
"Won't you try and do better next time?"
"_Yes! I'll steal two._"
DUTCH SOLILOQUY.
A DUTCHMAN'S heart-rending soliloquy is described thus: "She lofes Shon Mickle so much better as I, pecause he's cot koople tollers more as I has!"
JUST ALIKE.
A STUTTERING man at a public table, had occasion to use a pepper box.
After shaking it with all due vengeance, and turning it in various ways, he found that the pepper was in no wise inclined to come forth.
"T-th-this-p-pep-per box," he exclaimed, with a sagacious grin, "is so-something like myself."
"Why?" asked a neighbor.
"P-poor-poor delivery," he replied.
STORY OF A WIG.
LORD ELLENBOROUGH was once about to go on the circuit, when Lady E. said that she should like to accompany him. He replied that he had no objections, provided she did not enc.u.mber the carriage with bandboxes, which were his utter abhorrence. They set off. During the first day's journey, Lord Ellenborough, happening to stretch his legs, struck his feet against something below the seat. He discovered that it was a bandbox. His indignation is not to be described. Up went the window, and out went the bandbox. The coachman stopped; and the footman, thinking that the bandbox had tumbled out of the window by some extraordinary chance, was going to pick it up, when Lord Ellenborough furiously called out, "Drive on!" The bandbox accordingly was left by a ditch side.
Having reached the county-town, where he was to officiate as judge, Lord Ellenborough proceeded to array himself for his appearance in the court-house. "Now," said he, "where's my wig,--where _is_ my wig?" "My Lord," replied his attendant, "it was thrown out of the carriage window."
A SINGULAR FORGIVENESS.
SIR Walter Scott, in his article in the _Quarterly Review_, on the Culloden papers, mentions a characteristic instance of an old Highland warrior's mode of pardon. "You must forgive even your bitterest enemy, Kenmuir, now," said the confessor to him, as he lay gasping on his death-bed. "Well, if I must, I must," replied the Chieftain, "but my curse be on you, Donald," turning towards his son, "if you forgive him."
CABBAGE AND DITTO.
WE have just now heard a cabbage story which we will cook up for our laughter loving readers:
"Oh! I love you like anything," said a young countryman to his sweetheart, warmly pressing her hand.
"Ditto," said she gently returning his pressure.
The ardent lover, not happening to be over and above learned, was sorely puzzled to understand the meaning of ditto--but was ashamed to expose his ignorance by asking the girl. He went home, and the next day being at work in a cabbage patch with his father, he spoke out:
"Daddy, what's the meaning of ditto?"
"Why," said the old man, "this here is one cabbage head, ain't it?"
"Yes, daddy."
"Well, that ere's ditto."
"Rot that good-for-nothing gal!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the indignant son; "she called me a cabbage head, and I'll be darned if ever I go to see her again."
FLAG AT HALF-MAST.
AN old sailor, at the theatre, said he supposed that dancing girls wore their dresses at half-mast as a mark of respect to departed modesty.