The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 21
"Y-yes, I believe I h-have," replied the trembling hoosier.
"Exactly," said d.i.c.k, "and in your limbs too?"
"Yes, stranger, youre right, and I begin to feel it in the back of my neck and head."
"Of course you do, and unless you do something for it, youll be dead in a short time, I a.s.sure you. Take my advice now, go back aboard the boat, swallow down a gill of brandy, get into your state-room, and cover up with blankets. Stay there till you perspire freely, then leave here like lightning!"
Hoosier hurried on board the boat, and followed d.i.c.ks instructions to the letter. He says he never will forget the kindness of the tall man in Mobile, who gave him such good advice.
LET OFF.
"BOY! did you let off that gun?" exclaimed an enraged schoolmaster.
"Yes, master."
"Well, what do you think Ill do to you?"
"Why, let me off!"
COMPLIMENTARY.
A GENTLEMAN expatiating upon the good looks of women, declared that he had never yet seen an ugly woman. One who was extremely flat nosed, said,
"Sir, I defy you not to find me ugly."
"You, madam," he replied, "are an angel fallen from heaven, only you have fallen on your nose."
KEEN RETORT.
A PRIEST said to a peasant whom he thought rude, "You are better fed than taught." "Shud think I was," replied the clodhopper, "as I feeds myself and you teaches me."
THE AUCTIONEER AT HOME.
AN auctioneer, vexed with his audience, said: "I am a mean fellow--mean as dirt--and I feel at home in this company."
SACKS AND BAGS.
MR. LOVER tells a good anecdote of an Irishman giving the pa.s.s-word at the battle of Fontenoy, at the same time the great Saxe was marshal.
"The pa.s.s-word is Saxe; now dont forget it, Pat," said the Colonel.
"Saxe! faith an I wont. Wasnt me father a miller?"
"Who goes there?" cries the sentinel, after he had arrived at the pa.s.s.
Pat looked as confidential as possible, and whispered in a sort of howl,
"Bags, yer honor."
ITERATION.
A SERVANT girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as to her reason for leaving.
"Mistress is so quick-tempered that I cannot live with her," said the girl.
"Well," said the gentleman, "you know it is no sooner begun than its over."
"Yes, Sir, and no sooner over than begun again."
QUID PRO QUO.
IN a case tried at the Kings Bench, a witness was produced who had a very red nose; and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was sworn,
"Well, lets hear what you have to say, with your copper nose."
"Why, Sir," said he, "by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my copper nose for your brazen face."