School Room Humour Part 4
"THOU SHA'T NOT BOW DEAN!"--Still affecting the Commandments, though a story of another colour, is the following:--
In a village in Yorkshire dwelt the two granddaughters of a former vicar. These good ladies often met in the streets the children who attended the village school. On such occasions they expected the latter to acknowledge them--the boys by raising their hats and the girls by curtseying. Now one st.u.r.dy urchin often disregarded the ladies, and they accordingly spoke to his father respecting his conduct. The parent questioned the boy, and soon found out that the complaint laid against him was true. On being asked why he did not lift his cap, the culprit replied, "Ah dean't think ah ou't ta dea sa. _Dean't us larn at t'
skeal, 'Thou sha't not bow dean ta ony graven image'?_"
IN BRAID YORKSHIRE.--The diocesan inspector was questioning a cla.s.s of boys about the story of Joseph as a slave, interpreter, &c., and incidentally asked the following question: "What did Joseph's father think when the brothers brought Joseph's coat covered with blood?" The reply of a small boy quite upset the official's gravity: "Please, sir, _he thought a coo had tupped him_!"
ON BREAD AND CHICKEN.--Imagine the surprise of the schoolmistress when a little lad, in giving his version of the "Temptation," informed her that Christ partook of _bread and chicken_ in the wilderness. Judicious questioning elicited the fact that the young hopeful had based his opinion upon two extracts: "_Man shall not live by bread alone_," and "_Get the hens, Satan_!"
THREE EVILS.--It was the annual Scripture examination, and the inspector was questioning a cla.s.s upon the Catechism. "It was promised for you in your baptism," said the official inquisitor, "that you would fight against three great evils. Tell me what they are." "_My G.o.dfathers and G.o.dmothers_," was the reply of one youth.
IN THE APPLICATION THEREOF.--The school had been closely questioned by the inspector in Scripture, and at last a bright idea seemed to strike him, for he said: "Suppose Christ came into this room now and offered to perform a miracle for you, what would you ask him to do?" There was silence for some moments, and then up went a hand. The inspector asked for a reply, which was: "_Cast out a devil, sir!_"
A BASTE BUT NOT A BULL.--The following occurred in a Dublin school during the Scripture lesson:--"What does the Bible say will happen to the proud?" asked the examiner. "_Please, sir, they will become animals_," replied one bright little chap. "Oh, that's a curious answer.
What text have you to prove it?" queried the interrogator. "He that humbleth himself shall be exalted, and he that exalteth himself _shall be a baste_!" promptly replied one of the youngest of Ould Oireland's hopefuls.
THE FLESH POTS.--A cla.s.s was in the habit of singing at close of school the well-known Grace: "These creatures bless," &c. Having some doubts as to the accuracy of the words being sung by one boy, the master asked him to repeat them. He was not a little astonished to hear recited the words--
"These creatures bless and grant that we _May feast on pounds of rice with Thee_."
OVERHEARD IN THE PLAYGROUND.--_Small lad to a friend_: "I say, Jack, what do you think our teacher told us this morning?" "I dunno." "Well, he said there was once a man going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, _and as he was going the thorns sprang up and choked him_!"
SAMIVEL, BEWARE!--Inspector: "Why was Elisha sorry when the Shunamite's son was dead?" Ingenious lad, who has just been devouring Mr. Pickwick: "_Because he didn't like being left alone with a widow._" (Inspector smiled.)
SOME UNFAMILIAR EXHORTATIONS.--Children, as I have said, often get hold of the wrong words in prayers and hymns. For instance, one child was heard to pray: "Forgive me all that I have done _on Christmas Day_"
(amiss this day). Another was heard to plead: "_And give us an eagle_"
(and deliver us from evil). While a third after meals repeated: "_Let manners to us all be given_" (Let manna to our souls be given).
NOAH'S FIRST TASK.--At a recent Scripture examination the examiner asked the following question in the infants' cla.s.s: "What was the first thing Noah did when he came out of the Ark?" A tiny girl put up her hand, and on being asked, said: "_Please, sir, he buried all the drownded people._"
WHY A DOORKEEPER?--Teacher: "What did David mean when he said he'd rather be a doorkeeper of the House of the Lord?" Boy: "Because, if he was a doorkeeper, _he could walk about outside while the sermon was being preached_."
A QUESTION OF A MAIN DRAINAGE.--Subject: Scripture lesson on "The Flood." Teacher had explained how it rained and rained until the tops of the highest hills were covered. Pupil of inquiring mind suddenly puts up her hand and asks: "_Teacher, wern't there no sinks?_"
AN ALTOGETHER UNEXPECTED REPLY.--A teacher who had given a lesson on the Birth of Christ and the Virgin Mary was proceeding to question the children, and asked: "Who was the mother of Jesus?" To her great astonishment, a small girl chirped out: "_Please, m', the blessed bird canary!_"
THE LITTLE "DOWN-ALONG'S" DOVE.--The inspector was examining a cla.s.s of Westcountry infants, and had asked: "When our Lord was baptised, what bird came down on His head?" One little Devonshire dumpling at once retorted: "_Please, sir, a little yeller-hammer, sir!_"
THE PART THAT NEVER DIES.--During a Scripture lesson a teacher of little dots was greatly surprised upon asking: "What part of you is it that never dies?" to receive from an excited youngster, "_The Holy Ghost._"
WHO WAS SORRY?--A cla.s.s was being questioned on the prodigal son's return. The teacher: "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?"
Little Boy (after deep thought): "_The fatted calf, sir._"
ABOUT ELI.--Teacher: "Tell all you know of Eli." Small Girl: "Eli was a very old man, and Eli was very sick _and Eli brought up Samuel_."
A HOMELY VIEW.--Head mistress: "What was the first thing that the little boy Samuel did when he got up in the morning?" Cheery little mother: "_Please, mum, he carried up a cup of tea to Eli!_"
MIXED.--A small boy, who had been reading about Sir Walter Raleigh and the Virgin Queen, in writing of Elijah, said: "As Elijah went up to Heaven he dropped his mantle, _and Queen Elizabeth walked over it_."
"I BELIEVE."--"Write down what you are saying," said a teacher once to a pupil who with others was reciting the Apostles' Creed. "Suffered under Pontius Pilate," came out "Suffered under _bunch of violets!_" At the little village school of Bonchurch, Isle of Wight, it was once set down "_Suffered under Bonchurch Pilot!_"
"AND TO BED YOU GO."--"Tell us a story, please," said the little ones once to their teacher on Friday afternoon. She, consenting, asked whether they wanted a new one or an old one. "Cinderella," said one; "Aladdin," asked another. Then from a rather heavy boy, "_I want the tale of Citrate of Magnesia and to bed you go._" She paused in complete obfuscation. Then a sharp little girl said: "That's wrong, governess, it wasn't Citrate of Magnesia, but it _was_ to bed you go, _and they were all in the fire and not burnt_." The teacher recognised the Bible incident of _Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego_!
WHAT HAPPENED.--Scene: Cla.s.s of infants and Standard I. Time: Scripture lesson. Teacher, impressively (to children anxiously watching--in imagination--the development of an old-world tragedy): "Then Abraham having bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, took the knife in his hand--when lo!--What happened?" Big dunce from the gallery (in a voice hoa.r.s.e with excitement and pent-up feeling): "_Hisaac 'ollered out._"