Scamping Tricks and Odd Knowledge Part 6
"Yes."
"I nearly got bowled out once at the masonry game. This is between ourselves."
"Of course, we understand each other; shake hands."
"They nearly caught me."
"How?"
"We were walking over the work--when I say we, I mean a party of directors, a couple of engineers, and the resident engineer. An unlucky thing happened. Someone said, 'I should think a good view of the surrounding country is to be obtained from the top of this bridge.'
Now, you know, in those days, some engineers liked offsets at the back of a wall very close together, say about every two feet, as they thought the backing remained on them, and helped to prevent the wall overturning; but it seldom does, the backing is usually drawn away from such off-sets. However, unfortunately, most of these directors had only recently returned from Switzerland, and had been up the Mortarhorn, I think they said--or thought they had, or read about it in a guide book.
Anyhow, they started climbing up the back of one of the abutments. They ought to have known our work is not quite so solid as nature, nor as the Romans made in the old slow days when they were not fighting; but it is all right for the purpose intended, at least, for what we intend it, and that is enough. The abutment of the bridge I am referring to was 50 feet in length, and what must they all do but start at once at the climbing business, like a lot of schoolboys eager to get there first, and I had only time to think a moment, and to shout,
"'Be careful, gentlemen, please, the mortar has not had time to set yet, it's green.'
"Lucky, I said 'yet'; but between you and me, I should be an old one, and no mistake, if I had to wait till it set right.
"They got upon the first offset all serene; but when they footed it on the third, down they came, and humpty-dumpty was not in it with the show. It was a flat procession and a general lay-out, and such a rubbing of mid-backs occurred as few have seen before. They fell soft, though, as we had partly finished backing up the bridge. I was nearly had; but I had a bit in hand with which to squeeze home at the finish, and get in the first words. They were:--
"'Gentlemen, I had no time to warn you, but the mortar has not had time to set all round, it is green; and where it has set, it is that powerful it often shifts the stones first, and then clenches them tight, and there is no parting them at all; they become gripped together just as by nature in the quarry. It is wonderful material, and the best lime known, or that I have had to do with during thirty years of hard working experience."
"Of course, the directors could say nothing; they were bankers and solicitors, or such-like, nor could the engineers. It did not do to make out the masonry had not been properly executed. I thought I had got off beautifully, and the whole party were just going to start when out of the blessed wall, there and then, flew two pheasants!"
"Well, I never!"
"You wait. Yes; and before we could speak, out came a fox. I own I was nearly beaten, but one of the directors, turning to us, said, 'You appear to have a veritable Noah's ark here, and we know a pheasant is a gallinaceous bird.'
"We all laughed. He then went on to say, 'Perhaps if we wait long enough the procession will continue. This may be the ancestral home of the dodo or the mastodon. Who can say it is not?' They again laughed.
"Now, you know, there is no denying, neither a pheasant nor a fox can squeeze themselves through an ordinary-sized mortar joint. While laughing I got my mind right, and said, 'Gentlemen, I feel sure the poachers have been on the prowl here, and have disturbed the work.'
"'Yes,' said the director. The others seemed afraid to speak. There is always a c.o.c.k in every farmyard, and he was in this. 'A four-legged poacher--the fox; and I am afraid, if we do not exercise due care, the board will be charged with larceny.'
"Then we all thought we ought to laugh, and did. 'Gentlemen,' I said, 'I'm sure the bridge has been tampered with, and no doubt if we keep watch we shall find the rascals.'
"Excuse me now saying 'rascals' to you, but, old chum, of course between ourselves, that is you and me, we have never done any poaching."
"Not we, certainly: at least we forget doing it if we did. A good memory is not always a blessing, or to be owned to, although it's useful."
"Shake. That's right. As we understand each other, I will now tell you how things ended. I went on to say to the gentlemen, 'I will root out this matter; and may I ask you to say nothing to anyone. My partner and myself will get to the bottom of it. Trust your old servants, gentlemen.' Then I raised my hat. That fetched them; for one turned, and said to me:--
"'I cannot send my keepers to-night, but to-morrow they shall meet you here at six. Please watch to-night.'
"He then handed to me a five-pound note. Blessed if he did not own the land for miles round and I did not know it. I beamed all over, and said I would, and looked as humble as only an old sinner can; and I was just going to forget to tell you I put that 'fiver' carefully away, to keep it from the poachers."
"I could believe that of you; I could, old chap, without your saying it."
"Well, now talk about 'all's well that ends well;' this was better than that--simply crumbs of comfort, except the awkwardness of the situation before the finish.
"I suppose you want to know all about the cause of the tumbling show."
"Yes; I am waiting to know."
"Very well, I will tell you. I had become greedy, and as there was not much more work for me on that railway, I used to make it a rule, wherever I was, and before leaving, to have a final haul in by way of a loving remembrance of a past country in which I had spent some part of my life in opening up to civilization, and the immeasurable benefits of rapid and cheap locomotion. Is that good enough?"
"Rather; it likes me much."
"Now this bridge was a beauty to draw on, so we just left a few voids here and there. Tipping the backing must have broken a bit of the wall unknown to me, or something must have given way in the night; and I suppose the birds walked in, and the fox after them, and then the abutment settled and the backing pushed it closer together. Now the birds got to a place where the fox could not reach, and there very likely they would have been, three caged-up skeletons; but the Swiss mountain climbing spoilt that fun, and pulled down the wall sufficiently to raise the curtain on the show.
"It so happened that all the engineers and residents had to go away on some land case--I like _other_ people to go to law; and so we had three clear days to put things in order; and we did, you bet, and began almost before the break of day. I had an untarnished reputation at stake, and was on my metal. My partner and myself just about both smiled over the fun real mutual admiration."
"The engineers did not say much for we had been paid, and they knew they would get nothing out of us, and therefore proceeded on the principle that it is no use stirring dirty water, and I say, and maintain, that on the whole--not _in_ the hole, mind you--never was more solid and firmer masonry put together than our work, although we took care to do as we liked, and relieved the foundations of some strain now and again, and improved the specification.
"I forget whether I watched for poachers that night, but I might have done for a few minutes, so as to make it all right; but as my memory is not clear on the point, I had better say I fancy I did not, but I met the keepers next night; and did a three hours watch and told them a lot, and got well rewarded. Pay me and I'll patter pretty; but no pay, no patter, is my motto. The only thing that grieved me was losing those pheasants and the fox's brush and head. That was hard luck, but there!
life is full of disappointments which are hard to bear."
CHAPTER VIII.
TUNNELS.
"Have I told you of my scare in a tunnel I got some 'extra' profit out of by real scamping?"
"Not that I remember."
"Well, that was a whitener, for I was almost trapped, nearly caught, and paid out. Retributed, I think it is called, but there, I am not sufficiently educated, although you and me have had a good deal more schooling than any others on this work, which perhaps is not too much of a recommendation. Anyhow, you agree, don't you?"
"Of course I do!"
"Well, let us drink. Now we are oiled, the machinery will start again easy and soft, and continue going for some time, but don't you consider we know enough to suit us. I have watched various guv'nors I have had, and they seem to be thinking and puzzling their brains even when they are eating, and I don't think their digestion is improved by it. A peaceful mind needs no pills. It is medicine for the upper works, and exercise and good food is the right physic for the body unless you are half a corpse when born. Now, when we eat, we have a look at the goods first, and all we trouble about is to divide the vegetables, meat, and bread, and beer, so that they last the show out in their proper quant.i.ty to the finish."
"That's it, but what has that to do with the scare at the tunnel and the scamping?"
"You wait. Really you should know impatience is not polite; and to be a good listener, and look as if every word that was said to you was virgin information and pure wisdom, is the best game to play."
"That is enough, get to the tunnel scare and scamping."
"Well, why I named about my food was, my old woman was queer just then, a lying up on the cherub business, and the party that she had to look after things was no cook, few are, and I believe she was paid by some of those pill proprietors to make people ill and then pill them. Anyhow I got queer and dreadfully out of sorts, and just at the time I was a regular n.i.g.g.e.r, and had taken a length of tunnel lining, and in such ground, horrid dark yellow clay, and it smelt awfully bad. We called the tunnel the pest-hole. What with the food being wrong, and the hateful place, I did the worst bit of scamping I ever was guilty of."
"Fortunately, the engineer knew what he was about, and our profiles were nearly round, that is, the section of the tunnel was nearly circular; if they had not been, that tunnel would have been filled up by this time, and perhaps been the grave of hundreds, and it nearly was. There were eight rings in the lining, and therefore some bulk to play with. I got frightfully pesky about the job, and meant getting out of it as quickly as possible, and did. I am not the one to play about and squat, action is my motto; and I am busy if there is anything to be got, and keen on the scent."
"You are right there. You generally find a fox, and get his brush, too."
"I was roused. The brickwork was in Portland cement, and believe me, I never would have done what I did if it had been lime mortar. Must draw the line somewhere, and the easiest conscience has a limit to being trifled with. You know, tunnel work gives one chances that are not to be had in the open, and the temptation is strong. I dropped word on the quiet, 'Be careful to-night with the first two rings and then'--well, they twigged, and I had no occasion to say much. Afterwards, the material that was given them went in anyhow. But bless me, we had Portland cement, it was supplied by the company, you understand. It held almost anything together, firm as a rock. I said to my ganger, whatever material you are given, so long as it is clean, will do, and it will be just like conglomerate. The inspector was inclined to be my way of thinking, and, by a manual operation on my part, he fully agreed with me, and said he had always been of the same opinion, only other people failed to comprehend his meaning. It has been said the pen is mightier than the sword, and so it may be; but ten hours writing, and a ten hours speech full of argument, have not the same force with some inspectors as a few sovereigns judiciously placed to aid them in arriving at a proper view of a subject."