Maria-sama ga Miteru Volume 8 Chapter 9
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After that, Shimako decided to come and help out.
But that didnt mean that she actively joined in the rambling chats over tea that were our everyday activities.
She wasnt the type to get ahead of herself. Yoshino-chan or Sachiko would call on her when we really needed help and she would respond. You could say she drew a clean distinction between the two activities. At any rate, her approach to the Yamayurikai was clearly different to that of a bouton or their pet.i.t soeur.
June.
With May over, and so too the Maria ceremony and new student welcoming ceremony, the Yamayurikai didnt have any public events scheduled and had entered into a relatively quiet period where we started preparing for the sports carnival and school festival in autumn.
"So given that, why are you dragging Shimako in?"
I jabbed at Youko one day. For the first time in a while, it was just the two of us having lunch in the Rose Mansion.
"No real reason."
Youko smoothly sidestepped the question.
"Shes n.o.bodys pet.i.t soeur, so you shouldnt be bringing her in during the planning stage."
Shimako was an a.s.sistant we inevitably turned to when short of hands - that was the expedient Youko used to bring her in to the Rose Mansion.
"But given our current situation, well have to get her to help out with the school festival. So the sooner we get her involved the better, right? Ahh, right. Well need help with the Hanadera Academy cultural festival too. My pet.i.t soeurs such a troublesome girl, she tells me she doesnt want to have anything to do with an event at a boys school. Shimako-chans help is going to become more and more important."
What Youko said was true. Although I had a sneaking suspicion it was a justification shed made up after the fact.
"But besides that, Sei, dont you want to improve the "current situation?""
The current situation. The phrase she used to point out that while I was the white Rose, I did not have a pet.i.t soeur. People who did not fulfill all their responsibilities did not have the right to find fault with others. Indeed, if I did have a pet.i.t soeur, then there would be no need to ask Shimako.
"You know, Youko, your personality really has taken a turn for the worse."
"What choice do I have, given how rebellious my friend is acting?"
Youko really did have a sharp tongue. Despite her good manners, she was caustic towards me. Maybe we were alike in that only our surface appearance was good.
Looking at it that way, Sachiko was also very much a wolf in sheeps clothing. Rei was almost idiotically honest, so her surface and her inside were the same, but Yoshino-chan, hmm, she looked like a bit of a lion at home and a mouse abroad.
Shimako was - . I had a think about it, but didnt really know. It didnt feel like Id ever caught a glimpse of what lay beneath her surface.
"That girl does that a lot."
Youko said, looking out the window.
"That girl?"
I asked, then looked out the window to where Youko pointed. It was Shimako. She was walking across the courtyard carrying a stack of printouts, probably either committee work or because she was on duty today.
"I did think about her becoming your pet.i.t soeur. But that aside, letting her go would be such a waste."
"How so?"
"You havent considered her as a Rose? Losing her would be a great loss to the Yamayurikai."
A loss to the Yamayurikai. I smiled bitterly. So sorry to bother you. Youko was even worried about what was going to happen after shed graduated.
"Even though youve given up on making her my pet.i.t soeur?"
"I wouldnt say Ive given up - "
Shimako disappeared into the school building and Youko shut the window and turned to face me.
"But there are other ways."
"Other ways, huh."
At that time, I thought she was going to try and persuade Shimako to run in the election in February of next year. I had no pet.i.t soeur. The annual student council elections usually took the form of a vote of confidence in the boutons, but if the current situation continued then the campaign for the post of Rosa Gigantea could turn into a fierce contest.
If that happened, what would Shimako do? I felt pity for her, if she was forced to fight like that.
(Pity?)
A strange emotion. I was worried about Shimako.
(Right.)
Certainly, I felt concern for Shimako. Or, to put it another way, I was charmed by her - but it didnt feel like it should be bundled up that neatly.
At the very least, the feelings I had for Shimako were completely different to the overwhelming emotions Id felt towards Shiori.
As an example, they did share many common features. They were both devout Catholics, with long hair, as well as being neat and beautiful. But that wasnt what had charmed me.
I wanted the entirety of Shiori, and to give myself entirely to her. Our relationship ended when it became obvious that that wish couldnt come true. Shiori was the first to realize it. So, for us to keep living, we had to separate.
Thinking about it now, Shiori was my angel. It was fundamentally impossible that a human like me could tie her to the ground.
In that regard, Shimako was a human.
I watched Shimako from a short distance away.
That alone was enough.
Before I knew it, it had even become comforting.
Shimako.
Being addressed in that manner was incredibly comforting to me.
Not Shimako-san or Shimako-chan. Just plain Shimako.
With the exception of my fellow first-year Yoshino-san, everyone in the Rose Mansion called me "Shimako." I felt like a part of the group every time they called me that, even if it was only temporary.
Rosa Gigantea was the first to call me "Shimako."
It started with Rosa Chinensis taking a jab at her, saying, "Not using an honorific, even though shes not your pet.i.t soeur?" to which Rosa Gigantea had gloomily responded with, "Well, everyone should call her that." Sachiko-sama faithfully followed that directive and eventually they all settled on addressing me that way.
In every group, there were generally rules that governed how the members addressed each other. If everyone just did whatever they wanted, it would be chaos.
Take Yoshino-san as an example. She was called "Yoshino-chan" by girls in higher grades and "Yoshino-san" by students in the same grade as her. Her onee-sama, Rei-sama, was the only one that called her "Yoshino."
As an example, if "-san" or "-chan" were attached to my name, then I would probably always be seen as an interloper. By calling me Shimako, I could obediently accept their affection as though I was everyones pet.i.t soeur. Even though I had no specific onee-sama.
I liked my time in the Rose Mansion.
I liked each and every one of the "Rose families" that formed the Yamayurikai executive.
Consequently, Id occasionally forget my position and find myself blending in with the group. Because there was such a gentle, comforting atmosphere.
My impression of Rosa Gigantea changed depending on the situation. She was sometimes mysterious, sometimes scary, sometimes glib and sometimes tender. But through all this, she remained consistently conscious of me.
Whenever I was doing something, Id look over my shoulder and feel relieved that Rosa Gigantea was there. Even when she wasnt looking at me, or when she was looking at me in a foul mood. No matter when.
I wonder why I found it calming.
It was, figuratively speaking, as though we were kindred spirits, and I could feel relaxed simply because she was there. Rosa Gigantea gave me the peace of mind that came from knowing I wasnt alone.
In early summer, I saw Rosa Gigantea in the courtyard after school.
She was merrily watching a cat eat the dry pet food she had given it.
"Do you like cats?"
I quietly asked her from behind.
It took a lot of courage for me to call out to Rosa Gigantea, but I felt compelled to.
"Yeah, I do. I like most animals."
"Even snakes and worms?"
"I suppose."
Rosa Gigantea scratched the cats head with her index finger. The cat purred happily.
"As long as we respect the others territory, we should be able to coexist."
"Coexist?"
"Yep."
The cat looked too old to be called a kitten, but it didnt look like it was fully grown either. It was a blackish tabby with patches of fur missing in various places showing scars that were still healing.
"Even the crows that attacked her would have had their reasons. Maybe they had hungry children of their own."
Neither was in the wrong, they were just two different species trying to live. Rosa Gigantea mumbled that that was all it was.
"It may just be selfishness, but I dont want to witness any more suffering than I have to. Im not trying to gloss over it, I know full well that killing and dying are a fixture of this world."
I wondered whether Rosa Gigantea counted humans as one of the animal species that she liked. Occasionally, when she sleepily looked out the window at the row of green trees, I got the sense she was longing to be in a place as far away from any humans as possible.
I had the feeling that Rosa Gigantea would reject me simply because I was a human.
"What are you going to do with this cat?"
The cat looked like it would be skittish, but when I reached out my hand it didnt run away, letting me pat it.
"Nothing much."
Then Rosa Gigantea smiled and made a bad joke about how she couldnt sell its skin to a shamisen maker because of the wounds.
"But, youre feeding it, right?"
"I shouldnt feed it?"
"Im not saying you shouldnt, but &h.e.l.lip; "
I didnt know what I wanted to say. I didnt know, but I couldnt say nothing to Rosa Gigantea.
"If it gets used to being fed, it wont survive on its own."
"I see."
"And what about summer break? Or the cold winter vacation? Youre not going to stay here for the ten or twenty years that this cat will live for, right?"
Was I projecting myself onto the cat? Tears started to fall as I imagined the cat as the faithful dog Hachiko, continuing to wait for Rosa Gigantea long after shed graduated.
"Wont your momentary kindness in saving it just be more cruel in the long run?"
No. Even I didnt think it would have been better if it had been eaten by the crows.
"As the wounds acc.u.mulate."
Rosa Gigantea smiled fondly. I turned my head and rubbed beneath my eyes with the back of my hand so she wouldnt see my tears.
"I suppose. Maybe it was cruel of me, like you said. But shes still just a child. Her wounds have finally healed now. So I think my occasional indulgence of her with an afternoon snack is something that can be overlooked. Its not something I do all the time."
Because the cat would someday reach an age where it could hunt for itself. When that happened, was she intending to coolly let it go?
But was that really okay? The cat will surely remember the warmth of Rosa Giganteas hand for the rest of its life. It would never be able to forget the taste of the dry, crackly, biscuit-like pet food.
"Meeting and parting are a matched set. Sooner or later, the time to part will come. But to avoid relationships because youre afraid of that is a bit desolate, dont you think? &h.e.l.lip; For me, Shimako."
Rosa Gigantea braced her right cuff with her left hand.
"Im grateful to my graduated onee-sama. She gave me all the love she had. Theres no way I could resent her for leaving while I stayed. One way or the other, I can still keep on living at this school without her."
I caught a glimpse of what looked like a rosary near the cuff of her summer uniform.
At the time, I may have been telling myself that, rather than anyone else.
"Things like remaining married for life are, in and of themselves, miraculous."
I wasnt sure how Shimako would take that.
Soon enough summer vacation arrived.
I spent that long summer vacation like any other student. Since I wasnt thinking at all about exams, I didnt have any summer lessons.
I went with Youko to visit Sachiko at her house when invited, and pulled an all-nighter watching movies alone. I did other things, like homework, when the mood struck me.
On top of that.
Perhaps feeling the sting of Shimakos words, I took some cat food to the school courtyard a number of times. The cat was there a few times, but in general it was somewhere else, out of sight.
Id leave a small amount of cat food in a spot near the school building, out of the rain. It would be gone the next time I came, which I interpreted favorably as a sign that the cat was alive and eating the food.
Even if the pet food was being eaten by some other animal, that wouldnt have really bothered me either.
With the summer vacation over, the athletics carnival took center stage. I caught wind of a strange rumor.
That Shimako was going to be Sachikos pet.i.t soeur.
"Whats the meaning of this?"
During a break, I went to Sachikos cla.s.sroom and pressed her for an answer. But this was Sachiko, so she regarded me with an annoying iciness.
"Why should I listen to your complaints, Rosa Gigantea?"
"Huh?"
"I didnt think I needed anyones permission to choose a pet.i.t soeur."
Even when talking to an older student, she was able to put forward a sound argument. As expected from Youkos pet.i.t soeur - I quietly marveled at this.
Little by little, the number of people watching us started to increase. A dispute between Rosa Gigantea and Rosa Chinensis en bouton. This kind of interesting spectacle didnt happen all that often.
However.
"Youre serious about Shimako?"
"Yes."
We didnt have any spare capacity to pay attention to our surroundings. Scratch that, I was the only one without the spare capacity, Sachiko was simply refusing to acknowledge them.
"These last few months Ive been observing Toudou Shimako of my own accord. Consequently, Ive come to the conclusion that she is an indispensable resource to the Yamayurikai."
"So youd take her as a pet.i.t soeur because shes indispensable to the Yamayurikai?"
I couldnt read Sachikos heart. But as long as she didnt deliver a knock-out blow by saying that she wanted Shimako as her pet.i.t soeur, then I wouldnt accept them as soeurs.
"What sort of reason would you accept, I wonder. Would it be more persuasive if I said I chose her because of her face?"
I saw red, instinctively balling my hand into a fist. Why was it that I was still upset by badmouthing of my graduated onee-sama? I barely managed to restrain my fist within my skirt pocket.
After giving me a single glance, Sachiko said:
"If you value Shimako that much, why dont you ask her yourself?"
"Whats that about me and Shimako &h.e.l.lip; !?"
I was fl.u.s.tered when the conversation turned towards me. Indeed, somewhere in my heart Id been making light of it. Shimako couldnt be anyones pet.i.t soeur. So shed naturally be at the Rose Mansion.
There are other ways of making Shimako a Rose. - I thought back to what Youko had said. So that was it, if she became Sachikos pet.i.t soeur, then she would be Rosa Chinensis the year after next.
Shimako becoming Sachikos pet.i.t soeur. Indeed, she didnt need to seek permission from anyone.
Perhaps I had been the first to spot Shimako. But I hadnt made a move. Scared of having an intimate relationship with anyone. Despite that, I wanted to keep Shimako constantly in sight - such a cunning person.
So now that Sachiko had made her move, it was a mess. I lost my cool.
Was there value in having Shimako? - Almost certainly.
However.
Even if it was all done and dusted, I fundamentally didnt know when to give up.
"What do you know about Shimako?"
In response to my question, Sachiko said, "Not much," and tilted her head.
"But treating her the way we currently are is no good for her. That much I do know."
"Ah."
"It cant stay the way it is. We either have to let her go, or someone has to officially take her as their pet.i.t soeur and bring her in to the Rose Mansion."
I was lost for words.
"Ah &h.e.l.lip; "
Right.
Why hadnt I noticed? How had I forgotten? Just what it was that Shimako needed right now.
"Alright."
I agreed meekly. Id prided myself on being the one who best understood Shimako. But despite that, Id forgotten the most important thing and it took my junior, Sachiko, to teach me that. A complete loss of face. No, Id never had any face right from the start.
"Alright, but Im not handing over Shimako."
Something broke inside me, but in its place something else began to grow.
"So what do you intend to do?"
Sachiko asked, looking dubious. Then I hit her with a declaration of war.
"Make her my pet.i.t soeur."
The audience gathered behind Sachiko went "Ooooh." Perfect. No turning back now.
"&h.e.l.lip; Youre going to come from behind and s.n.a.t.c.h her away?"
"Dont be absurd, Im not s.n.a.t.c.hing anything. After all, Shimako hasnt accepted your rosary yet, right?"
In that case, this conversation was taking place before the start line.
No, maybe the sound of the starting pistol was still echoing around, but as long as the finishing tape hadnt been cut, there was still time enough.
And if the tape had been cut - . Id come from behind and s.n.a.t.c.h her away.
"Why would you think that?"
The bell signaling that cla.s.s would soon begin rang out as Sachiko spoke.
"Why?"
I said, swiftly turning away.
"Because Im obviously better for Shimako."
Looking back over my shoulder, I winked at the gallery surrounding Sachiko.
I was confident of victory.
Sachiko would never sacrifice a lesson to partic.i.p.ate in the war for Shimako.
I remembered Shimakos cla.s.s as I ran through the hallway.
First-year peach group.
With the bells for the beginning of cla.s.s still ringing, I was taken from my cla.s.sroom by Rosa Gigantea.
"Ah, umm &h.e.l.lip; !?"
"Come on."
Rosa Gigantea paid no heed to my bewilderment. We continued down the corridor, flowing against the current of cla.s.smates hurriedly returning to the cla.s.sroom. While I found abandoning cla.s.s to be unthinkable, I didnt hate the way Rosa Gigantea was pulling me along by my arm. Its just that my heart was throbbing uncomfortably fast.
"Where to? I wont run away."
I asked, in front of the emergency exit. The bells had already stopped ringing.
"Ah, sorry."
Rosa Gigantea let go of my arm, as though shed just remembered she was holding it.
Since my teacher was usually punctual, I wouldnt be able to make it even if I started back now. But even if I could have made it, I wouldnt have left Rosa Gigantea alone here just to get back to cla.s.s.
With both our weights pushing on it, the heavy door opened and the gust of wind that blew in ruffled my hair.
Rosa Gigantea and I stepped out of the school building together.
Had she meant to come here from the beginning, or had it been the end result of aimless wandering? We were standing beneath the cherry trees where we had first met.
"Although theres a finite time limit to it."
Rosa Gigantea said, looking straight at me.
"Please be my pet.i.t soeur."
Were those the words that Id been expecting? No, although somewhere in my heart they may have been the words I was hoping for.
"I cant say Ill be a typical onee-sama, but I definitely think Ill be perfect for you. I wont restrain you, youll still be able to do whatever you like. Besides."
"Umm &h.e.l.lip; "
I interrupted Rosa Giganteas speech.
Rosa Gigantea didnt know about my circ.u.mstances. If she knew, would she still want me as her pet.i.t soeur?
But I didnt know how to communicate that to her. With Rosa Gigantea, I could tell her anything. But how to do it without making her carry half of my burdens. Whether she rejected me or accepted me, I didnt want to burden Rosa Gigantea.
"You dont want to?"
"Not at all!"
I vigorously shook my head.
"But."
"No buts. All I want to hear is yes or no."
Rosa Gigantea looked straight at me. Her eyes were stern, showing she wasnt going to accept any other words than those.
"I - "
I stopped mid-sentence and, with a sense of relief, realized that there was no value to what I had been intending to say. My distress was because I had been underestimating this person called Satou Sei.
She wasnt interested in what I was carrying or being burdened by. She didnt know the reason. But what she was saying was that she was willing to accept me the person exactly as I was.
So I could temporarily set down my burdens, and stand before her stripped of my tough armor as I was now.
Like two people who had chosen to rest in the shade of the same tree in the middle of their long journeys. We could probably be together even if we didnt talk about ourselves. While knowing that at some point we would have to resume our separate paths, our souls could still gain some respite from feeling the others presence.
Without words.
We ought to be close to each other.
"Please make me your pet.i.t soeur."
I took the hand she offered me.
"Alright."
"I look forward to our time together."
Although it took the form of a handshake, it couldnt be dismissed as merely a handshake. It felt as though our fingers were embracing and I felt completely at ease.
"Ah, right. The rosary."
Rosa Gigantea unfastened the rosary that was wound around her right wrist like a bracelet, and moved to place it around my neck. Then, as though reconsidering, she wrapped it around my wrist.
"This ways simpler."
As though I could take it off at any time. Although she didnt say it, I thought that Rosa Gigantea had chosen the wrist to lessen the burden on me.
Faint traces of her body heat remained in the rosary.
"Um."
I said, as Rosa Gigantea smiled with apparent satisfaction that the rosary had been safely conferred to my wrist.
"Hmm?"
"Shouldnt we go back to cla.s.s?"
"Huh?"
"Cla.s.s. If we go now, well only be about 15 minutes late."
"Shimako, youre way too serious."
"Onee-sama, youre not serious enough."
Onee-sama.
It was a little bit embarra.s.sing and surprising to both the one saying it and the one being called it.
"What can you do? Come on, lets go."
My onee-sama grabbed my right hand and took off.
"Such extremes."
With my arm being pulled, I started running. The rosary around my right arm bounced. Hanging from my wrist, it swayed around where we were joined by the fingertips.
How comforting it was.
Running like this, hand-in-hand with someone.
In my heart, I apologized to Sachiko-sama and Rosa Giganteas fans.
Im sorry. But she is definitely someone that I need.
Just six months.
With two years separating us, that was all the time that we would have together.
The day of our inevitable parting was six months away.
But until then, I wasnt going to let go of this hand.
"Run, Shimako!"
Because the rosary that swayed between us had made this place my own.