Maria-sama ga Miteru Volume 3 Chapter 5
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-If this is how Im going to end up feeling, I wont desire for another person, ever again.
On my sixteenth winter,
I experienced a farewell so painful it cut my body apart.
I first met Shiori during a spring day. One morning that I arrived at school far earlier than I usually did.
Why did I come to school early that day, despite not having anything planned? Frankly, its because I thought it was time to wake up, thats all. I went through all of my morning preparations an hour early, hopped on the earliest train, and didnt realize my mistake until I noticed how much less crowded it was.
I hated keeping time, to begin with, so I dont really double-check what time it is. Im the type that thinks Id rather get to school late than hear the alarm clock ringing, so Ive come to accept this sort of mistake happens.
When I stepped off of the circulation bus from JRs M Station in front of our school, the sunlight was blinding to my half-awake eyes.
Shielding my eyes from the sun, I walked through the high gate. The blue sky looking down on me through the thick roadway of gingko trees looked like it was etching out a soft pathway, like Milky Way.
(Milky Way&h.e.l.lip;)
It had an embarra.s.singly romantic echo. If I were to say that during cla.s.s, what kind of faces would everyone make?
-How unexpected. That twisted Satou Sei-san has a cute side to her, too?
But I had no intention of pleasing them.
Flipping my long, back-length hair, I muttered, "Idiotic."
(What is?)
But the closest word to the answer to that was "everything," as well as "myself."
Like the innocently smiling students at this school, like they were saying, I have no dissatisfaction with this world.
Like those pathetic parents that never questioned if they were raising their children properly.
Like the school that didnt bother labeling me a delinquent because I always had top-notch grades.
Like myself, living normally on a daily basis despite being annoyed by everything.
All of those, everything.
If I cant find anything to love in this world, including myself, the biggest problem probably lay in myself.
This world existed long before I did, and so it probably headed toward a better place by majority vote. People who cant conform to that world, then, bear responsibility for being unable to conform.
Id figured that much out, so Ive been lying low. But a sixteen-year-old adolescent sometimes rejects having to play out the role of a "pure maiden."
Why do I have to laugh with everyone?
Why do I have to involve myself in conversations that I dont care about?
So I keep myself silent.
Nothing I can do. Because this is the meadow of angels.
So Maria-sama, standing in the middle of the fork in the road, looked to me like Nio.
(See&h.e.l.lip;)
She looks so serene, so kind, but in reality, she was dividing students walking into the school into good or bad.
I formed a pistol with my right hand and pointed it at the white Maria-sama statue. The holy maiden Maria stood in front of the small, green forest, and prayed to heaven for the sake of her students every second.
"Amen."
"Bang!" I sounded in my mind, and I ran, laughing.
Rapture.
Running down the pathway of freshly-budding trees was invigorating. Id always wanted to do it once, when there was no one around.
I didnt mind people seeing me, but being questioned for it was a pain.
I didnt believe in Maria-sama, so I wasnt afraid of divine punishment. Jesus of Nazarene and his mother Maria were both real people that died long, long ago. After 2000 years, even ghosts must have gotten bored.
And if Maria-sama was really that close to G.o.d, she was supposed to save these bad sheep. Now, come, save my aimless soul!
-Amen!
I ran, shouting that, over and over again.
It was the middle of spring.
Id just become a second-year in high school.
It wasnt that I had any dissatisfactions. I just had no warmth. I was wandering in the dark, in a dried, vast wilderness.
I didnt know what I should do.
I didnt even know what I wanted to do.
Panting, I leaned against the sanctuary wall. Id somehow ended up here. My subconscious seemed to have run me the opposite direction from the school buildings.
Oh well. Ill rest here for an hour, and I entered the sanctuary.
After a few steps into the dark, silent corridor, the first thing you saw when you opened the thick, decorated door was a wooden statue of a crucified Jesus Christ. When you glanced to its left, a full-colored Maria statue. And to its right, a stained-gla.s.s window of brilliant colors. Long, wooden benches were on either side of the pa.s.sage down the middle.
The morning prayer of the sisters must have ended, as there was no one inside.
I chose a seat by the wall on the second row from the back and leaned back. A picture of angels was painted on the ceiling. It was the first time Id looked at it, relaxed, like this.
I wasnt a Christian, but the sanctuary was a beautiful place, I could say that much. I didnt dislike Buddhist temples, either, so I might simply have a liking for religion-based architecture.
I wrapped my arms around my shoulders and closed my eyes. It soothed me. It felt like I was rolled up in a ball, surrounded by a tough sh.e.l.l.
Dont touch me. Forget about me.
My body wanted sleep, but my mind was unusually active. But thats alright, I rolled over to my side.
How much time pa.s.sed? Eventually, I lost track of time, and I didnt even know if I was awake or dreaming, when I heard something.
Like an herbivore that was at rest, my body immediately reacted, and I jumped up like a spring-powered doll. Who cares if someone saw you, a voice whispered inside my head.
And they were apparently surprised at my sudden movement, as the person whod made the noise before spun around. -She sat in the front seat, near the middle.
Both of them had spent time not realizing they were there.
She had probably been kneeling and praying, and I gulped my own breath after watching her stand up slowly.
With the stained-gla.s.s windows light shining upon her right shoulder, she looked so white, so divine.
"&h.e.l.lip; Gokigenyou."
Smiling, she walked toward me. She was wearing the Lillian Girls Academy high school uniform, and her straight hair reached down to her waist. And her skin wasnt as pale as Id first thought.
"&h.e.l.lip; A first-year?"
I might have been looking at her like I was appraising something.
"Yes. Id just arrived at Lillian this year."
Her bright voice sounded soothing.
"-Probably."
I didnt remember each and every face in school, but I probably wouldnt have forgotten her if Id seen her a single time.
"Your name?"
"Kubo Shiori."
Kubo, Shiori.
I carved that name in my heart. It was just a name, but it was curious, how the fact that it belonged to her made it so much more special.
Id never bothered with other people before, but when it came to the first-year student named Kubo Shiori, I became incredibly curious. So I smashed my feelings right at her. Not satisfied with her name, I asked about what cla.s.s she was in, what middle school she attended, where she lived, I kept asking such impolite questions.
At first, Shiori looked bewildered. But because my questions were borne out of curiosity rather than being critical, she politely answered each and every one of them.
Shiori graduated from a school in Nagasaki, and she was recommended to Lillian. But her lack of an accent was because she was originally from Tokyo. Her parents died in a car accident when she was in third grade, so she was taken in by her uncle in Nagasaki, and now that her obligatory education was over, she decided to return to her home. She had no relatives in Tokyo, so she attended school from the school dormitories.
Shiori bluntly spoke of her tragic fifteen years of life. At the very least, that moved me. Her tolerance for an rude uppercla.s.sman, who she was meeting for the first time, and her willingness to accept me, it felt incredible.
She was mature, and she looked like even my twisted, th.o.r.n.y self could hold her hand, and she would be so divine that not a scratch would befall her.
"Will that be all?"
After a moment of silence, Shiori looked at her watch and spoke.
"I must be going now."
I was conflicted, by the desire to stay like this, and the realization that it was becoming awkward. But I nodded anyways. And after I nodded, I felt incredibly heartbroken.
"Im sorry for having taken your time."
"No worries, Im used to it."
Transfer students from other schools were often questioned like this, she smiled, with no hint of bitterness.
"Oh, my name is-"
"I know. Rosa Gigantea en bouton, Satou Sei-sama."
"What&h.e.l.lip;?"
"During the first-year ceremony, you were introduced."
After answering thus, Shiori politely bowed her head and stepped out of the sanctuary. Having lost Shiori, the sanctuary felt like it had lost some of its l.u.s.ter.
Im more famous than I thought.
Shiori knew about me from the Yamayurikai-sponsored first-year welcoming ceremony. I do remember being forced by my onee-sama, Rosa Gigantea, to help out, but it wasnt fun, but I wasnt allowed to escape, so I also remember just sitting there.
If Id paid attention, could I have found Shiori from the crowd?
The answer is yes, of course. No matter how many people there are, there was only one Shiori, and she would look unique, separate from the rest.
"Kubo Shiori?"
Mizuno Youko looked surprised.
"Wha, what?"
"&h.e.l.lip; No, its the first time youve ever said someone elses name, so I was surprised, thats all."
After school, Id stopped by the Rose Mansion for the first time in forever, and this was the response I got. Youko, an honor student and a very caring person, finished reading some doc.u.ments and then said, "So?"
"Nothing. I ran into a first-year named that this morning, thats all. I found out shes in the same cla.s.s as your sœur, so I wondered if youd heard any rumors or something."
"Sachikos cla.s.s&h.e.l.lip;?"
She didnt seem to remember. I thought maybe thered be information floating around, because of how strong of an impression she left, but that wasnt the case.
"If you dont know, whatever."
Id begun to leave, when Youko grabbed my arm.
"Since youve come this way, just stay for a bit. Id wanted to point out before that you dont seem to understand your position as a bouton."
But Youkos here, fully aware, so it shouldnt be a problem if Im gone. Is what I thought, anyways.
"I didnt become a bouton because I wanted to."
"But you accepted it, by becoming Rosa Giganteas sister, did you not?"
"She wasnt Rosa Gigantea then."
"What a quibble. My head hurts just thinking about next year."
Youko put a hand to her head and sighed.
Of course. Because other than herself, none of the bouton were dependable.
Rosa Foetida en bouton Eriko does what shes supposed to, but she always looks bored. And I happily skip. When the three of us lose the "en bouton" from our names, the Yamayurikai may seriously collapse.
But thats alright. Because my head hurts thinking about next year, too.
"Anyways, stay a bit, at least until someone else comes."
Youko wouldnt let go of my arm.
"Even if I get away, its not your responsibility."
"But I still dont want to have let you get away, when I was by myself."
"Mmm."
I sat down in a chair. Not necessarily for Youko, but because just standing was getting tiresome. Either way, Youko said "thank you," and looked through doc.u.ments again.
After about five minutes, I could hear the creaking sound of someone climbing the stairs.
"Oh wow, what a rarity."
My onee-sama, Rosa Gigantea, arrived with Youkos sister, Ogasawara Sachiko.
That was a rare combination, too. When she got to the door, onee-sama held out Sachiko like a newfound doll.
"We ran into each other in the hallway, so we came here together. Sachiko-chans like a cute j.a.panese doll, so I cant help wanting to be with her."
As onee-sama said, Sachiko was undoubtedly beautiful. I knew about her from before high school, because she was a year under me. Of course, knowing about her simply meant Id seen her once, as Id never bothered to meet her.
In her case, she was a famous figure in school because of her appearance and her stature as a young woman of a rich family. When Youko made Sachiko her sister, I thought, why would she bother with such a pain-in-the-a.s.s person? But it was obviously because if Youko didnt do it, no one else would have had the courage to do it.
"Im sorry to show up with a Western face, onee-sama."
"Oh, are you sulking? Oh you fool, Seis face is Seis face, I picked you because of your face, after all."
"Sorry, and thanks."
I felt satisfied. I loved hearing "I picked you because of your face" from my onee-sama. People cant see who you are on the inside, so when they praise you on your outside, its a lot more persuasive.
"Sit down."
As Sachiko sat down next to Youko, I moved myself to the seat next to onee-sama. I dont like an intimate atmosphere, but I didnt dislike the Rose Mansion. Maybe she knew it, because onee-sama never told me to show up at meetings or tea parties. In my case, Id show up if I wanted, and Id not show up if I didnt. So she knew it would be a waste of breath.
Yes. Onee-sama has always been good at handling me.
When I entered high school, I received a lot of sœur proposals, but I turned them all down. I just wanted to be left alone, but everyone kept clamoring, why dont you pick an onee-sama. When I began thinking that was becoming extremely annoying, Rosa Gigantea en bouton showed up.
She said she liked my face. I want to keep seeing your face, so be by my side. And with that, I decided to be her sister.
Having been told why Id been liked, I felt a lot more at ease.
Thats why sometimes I showed up at the Rose Mansion and sat down, for her sake. I didnt like meetings, but I just needed to sit there and pretend I was listening.
Using Youko and Sachiko and onee-samas voices and giggles as a BGM, I silently sang "Maria-samas soul." As for why I decided to sing that, it was because its the first song that flowed through my head. As long as it was a song I knew, I wouldnt have minded a modern j.a.panese ballad, either.
I wasnt fond of conversing with girls my age. Thats why I spent time during recess reading novels. I knew I was an enigma in my cla.s.s.
Rosa Chinensis and Rosa Foetida arrived, so the meeting began. "Maria-samas soul" ended with nice timing, so I began thinking about the girl I met in the sanctuary that morning, instead.
Kubo Shiori.
As Youko said, I thought it was surprising I became interested in someone else.
I surprised myself with how aggressive I was.
To start with, I decided to wake up early and wait for Shiori at the school gate. Shiori had to go through the gate, as she used the bus at M Station. The reason why I picked the school gate, instead of the station or the bus stop, was because I decided it was the most probable place for her to pa.s.s through.
It was childish, I knew. I was filled with the hope of seeing her happen to walk through the gate, by chance. The possibility that she went to school together with a friend, or that Id be rejected never crossed my mind.
In the end, that sort of unfortunate result didnt happen. Because Shiori never walked through the gate.
The wave of black uniforms came to a halt. I even forgot to run to the school buildings, instead absent-mindedly watching the doorkeeper close a part of the gate.
Before thinking about the possibility of her being late or simply missing school, I lost confidence. Did she really exist? Youko didnt seem to remember the name Kubo Shiori, and no one else was in the sanctuary at the time, so there was no way to prove she was Kubo Shiori, a first-year student. But strangely enough, it seemed to suit her, being an otherworldly existence.
When it became lunch break, I peeked into the first-year pine cla.s.s. They must have been used to seeing a second-year, but this cla.s.s seemed more bemused by second-years, and didnt really bother helping them out.
"Whats the matter, Sei-sama?"
Sachiko called to me from behind. Shed been out of the cla.s.s when Id arrived, apparently.
"Is Kubo Shiori in this cla.s.s?"
I couldnt help but ask for confirmation.
"Yes."
Sachiko-sama tilted her head, wondering why Id ask such a thing.
"Is she absent, today?"
I confirmed her existence, but I still didnt see her in the room.
"No."
"Was she late?"
"She was in cla.s.s when cla.s.s began. And-"
Sachiko answered my next question.
"As for where she is now, I think the sanctuary."
"Sanctuary&h.e.l.lip;"
"Shes a devout Christian. So shes always praying in the morning."
That answered everything.
Shiori arrived at school earlier than I did, and was praying to G.o.d while I was waiting at the gate.
Even though I met her there yesterday, Id never wondered why she was there and when she was there from. It wasnt like Shiori had gone there to sleep, like I did, anyways.
And when I heard Shiori was a devout Christian, I couldnt help but nod, so thats what. The "whiteness" I saw in her was probably her faith.
"Shall I tell her Rosa Gigantea en bouton was looking for her?"
"That would be unnecessary."
"You are going to the sanctuary now."
"-Not really."
Without thanking her, I turned away from Sachiko. It wasnt like I had fault with Sachiko. But she was sharp, despite having no ill intentions. I knew that, but it still felt unpleasant having my affection toward Shiori seen through by a younger Sachiko.
After returning to my cla.s.s once, I thought again and changed direction. It would be childish to not go to the sanctuary just because Sachiko said it, and I didnt want to step into a noisy cla.s.sroom.
To begin with, I wanted to step out and get some fresh air. I walked out of the emergency exit, usually off limits. The fresh leaves were turning greener by the day, and their glitter beauty was so pleasant to the eyes it made cla.s.s seem extremely stupid.
I would have brought a book. I wanted to skip cla.s.s, imagining how wonderful it would be to spend time under this weather.
Consciously, or subconsciously, my legs carried me to the east. Maybe I could see Shiori. But it was okay if I didnt. I didnt know what Id say, if I did.
My feeling, at that point, was honestly to just look at Shiori from afar. If I could watch Shiori without her ever noticing me-.
I looked up and closed my eyes. It felt like I was melting into the greenery. I would become twigs, the fresh leaves, and the wind that ran through everything. I wanted to vanish, like that. I wanted Satou Sei to be exterminated from this world, without anyone knowing I was here at all.
When I opened my eyes, like a miracle, Shiori was there. She was about ten meters ahead, and stopped a meter in front of me.
"Gokigenyou, Rosa Gigantea en bouton."
She was there, like it was the most natural of things. I couldnt help but think that she was the opposite of me, loved by the world and accepted by the world. Maybe that was why I was drawn to Shiori.
"I came to see you."
I wanted to be saved by Shiori. To purify this nonconforming soul, to return me to normalcy.
"I wanted to see you. Would this be a bother?"
I repeated myself. I was begging Shiori with an expression I wouldnt dare show my mother. At some point, Id thrown away the armor my soul wore, that which protected me. There was nothing I could do if I was rejected. Id found something in Shiori that I was willing to risk everything to get.
"How could I say its a bother?"
With a calm voice, like a crystal-clear lake, Shiori replied.
"I was just wanting to see you, too."
I cried, surprising myself with how honest I was being. I wanted to thank G.o.d for giving me Shiori.