Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor Volume I Part 12

Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor Volume I Part 12

All goned afay mit de Lager Beer---- Afay in de Ewigkeit!


CHARLES G.o.dFREY LELAND.


FRANCES M. WHICHER


TIM CRANE AND THE WIDOW


"O, no, Mr. Crane, by no manner o means, taint a minnit tow soon for you to begin to talk about gittin married agin. I am amazed you should be afeerd Id think so. See--how longs Miss Crane ben dead? Six months!--land o Goshen!--why, Ive knowd a number of individdiwals get married in less time than that. Theres Phil Bennetts widder t I was a-talkin about jest now--she t was Louisy Perce--her husband hadent been dead but _three_ months, you know. I dont think it looks well for a _woman_ to be in such a hurry--but for a _man_ its a different thing--circ.u.mstances alters cases, you know. And then, sittiwated as you be, Mr. Crane, its a turrible thing for your family to be without a head to superintend the domestic consarns and tend to the children--to say nothin o yerself, Mr. Crane. You dew need a companion, and no mistake. Six months! Good grievous! Why, Squire t.i.tus dident wait but six _weeks_ arter he buried his fust wife afore he married his second. I thought ther want no partickler need o his hurryin so, seein his family was all growd up. Such a critter as he pickt out, tew! twas very onsuitable--but every man to his taste--I haint no dispersition to meddle with n.o.bodys consarns. Theres old farmer Dawson, tew--his pardner haint ben dead but ten months. To be sure, he aint married yet--but he would a-ben long enough ago if somebody I know ond gin him any incurridgement. But taint for me to speak o that matter. Hes a clever old critter and as rich as a Jew--but--lawful sakes! hes old enough to be my father. And theres Mr. Smith--Jubiter Smith; you know him, Mr. Crane--his wife (she twas Aurory Pike) she died last summer, and hes ben squintin round among the wimmin ever since, and he _may_ squint for all the good itll dew him so far as Im consarned--tho Mr.


Smiths a respectable man--quite young and haint no family--very well off, tew, and quite intellectible--but Im purty partickler. O, Mr.


Crane! its ten year come Jinniwary sence I witnessed the expiration o


my belovid companion--an oncommon long time to wait, to be sure--but taint easy to find anybody to fill the place o Hezekier Bedott. I think _youre_ the most like husband of ary individdiwal I ever see, Mr.


Crane. Six months Murderation! Curus you should be afeered Id thinkt was tew soon--why, Ive knowd----"


MR. CRANE. "Well, widder--Ive been thinking about taking another companion--and I thought Id ask you----"


WIDOW. "O, Mr. Crane, egscuse my commotion, its so onexpected.


Jest hand me that are bottle of camfire off the mantletry shelf--Im ruther faint--dew put a little mite on my handkercher and hold it to my nuz. There--thatll dew--Im obleeged tew ye--now Im ruther more composed--you may perceed, Mr. Crane."


MR. CRANE. "Well, widder, I was a-going to ask you whether--whether----"


WIDOW. "Continner, Mr. Crane--dew--I knew its turrible embarrissin. I remember when my dezeased husband made his suppositions to me he stammered and stuttered, and was so awfully fl.u.s.tered it did seems as if hed never git it out in the world, and I spose its ginnerally the case, at least it has been with all them thats made suppositions to me--you see theyre ginerally oncerting about what kind of an answer theyre a-gwine to git, and it kind o makes em narvous.


But when an individdiwal has reason to suppose his attachments reperated, I dont see what need there is o his bein fl.u.s.trated--tho


I must say its quite embarra.s.sin to me--pray continner."


MR. C. "Well, then, I want to know if yure willing I should have Melissy?"


WIDOW. "The dragon!"


MR. C. "I haint said anything to her about it yet--thought the proper way was to get your consent first. I remember when I courted Trypheny, we were engaged some time before mother Kenipe knew anything about it, and when she found it out she was quite put out because I dident go to her first. So when I made up my mind about Melissy, thinks me, Ill dew it right this time and speak to the old woman first----"


WIDOW. "_Old woman_, hey! Thats a purty name to call me!--amazin perlite, tew! Want Melissy, hey! Tribbleation! Gracious sakes alive! Well, Ill give it up now! I always knowd you was a simpleton, Tim Crane, but I _must_ confess I dident think you was _quite_ so big a fool! Want Melissy, dew ye? If that dont beat all!


What an everlastin old calf you must be to spose shed _look_ at _you_. Why, youre old enough to be her father, and more tew--Melissy aint only in her twenty-oneth year. What a reed.i.c.kilous idee for a man o your age! as gray as a rat, tew! I wonder what this world _is_ a-comin tew: tis astonishin what fools old widdiwers will make o


themselves! Have Melissy! Melissy!"


MR. C. "Why, widder, you surprise me. Id no idee of being treated in this way after youd been so polite to me, and made such a fuss over me and the girls."


WIDOW. "Shet yer head, Tim Crane--nun o yer sa.s.s to me.


_Theres_ yer hat on that are table, and _heres_ the door--and the sooner you put on _one_ and march out o tother, the better itll be for you. And I advise you afore you try to git married agin, to go out West and see f yet wifes cold--and arter yere satisfied on that pint, jest put a little lampblack on yer hair--twould add to yer appearance undoubtedly, and be of sarvice tew you when you want to flourish round among the gals--and when yeve got yer hair fixt, jest splinter the spine o yerback--twouldn hurt yer looks a mite--youd be intirely unresistible if you was a _leetle_ grain straiter."


MR. C. "Well, I never!"


WIDOW. "Hold yer tongue--you consarned old coot you. I tell ye _theres_ your hat, and _theres_ the door--be off with yerself, quick metre, or Ill give ye a hyst with the broomstick."


MR. C. "Gimmeni!"


WIDOW (_rising_). "Git out, I say--I aint a-gwine to start


here and be insulted under my own ruff--and so git along--and if ever you darken my door again, or say a word to Melissy, itll be the woss for you--thats all."


MR. C. "Treemenjous! What a buster!"


WIDOW. "Go long--go long--go long, you everlastin old gum.


I wont hear another word" [stops her ears]. "I wont, I wont, I wont."


[_Exit Mr. Crane._


(_Enter Melissa, accompanied by Captain Canoot._)


"Good-evenin, Cappen Well, Melissy, hum at last, hey? Why didnt you stay till mornin? Party business keepin me up here so late waitin for you--when Im eny most tired to death ironin and workin like a slave all day--ought to ben abed an hour ago. Thought ye left me with agreeable company, hey? I should like to know what arthly reason you had to spose old Crane was agreeable to me? I always despised the critter; always thought he wuz a turrible fool--and now Im convinced ont. Im completely disgusted wit him--and I let him know it to-night. I gin him a piece o my mind t I guess hell be apt to remember for a spell. I ruther think he went off with a flea in his ear. Why, Cappen--did ye ever hear of such a piece of audacity in all yer born days? for _him_--_Tim Crane_--to durst to expire to my hand--the widder o Deacon Bedott, jest as if _Id_ condescen to look at _him_--the old numbskull!


He dont know B from a broomstick; but if hed a-stayed much longer Id a-teached him the difference, I guess. Hes got his _walkin ticket_ now--I hope hell lemme alone in futur. And wheres Kier? Gun hum with the Cranes, hey! Well, I guess its the last time. And now, Melissy Bedott, you aint to have nothin more to dew with them gals--dye hear?


You aint to sociate with em at all arter this--twould only be incurridgin th old man to come a-pesterin me agin--and I wont have him round--dye hear? Dont be in a hurry, Cappen--and dont be alarmed at my gittin in such pa.s.sion about old Cranes presumption. Mabby you think twas onfeelin in me to use him so--an I dont say but what twas _ruther_, but then hes so awful disagreeable tew me, you know--taint _everybody_ Id treat in such a way. Well, if you _must_ go, good-evenin! Give my love to Hanner when you write agin--dew call frequently, Cappen Canoot, dew."--_The Bedott Papers._


THE STAMMERING WIFE


When deeply in love with Miss Emily Pryne, I vowed, if, the maiden would only be mine, I would always endeavor to please her.


She blushed her consent, though the stuttering la.s.s Said never a word except "Youre an a.s.s---- An a.s.s--an a.s.s-iduous teaser!"


But when we were married, I found to my ruth, The stammering lady had spoken the truth; For often, in obvious dudgeon, Shed say, if I ventured to give her a jog In the way of reproof--"Youre a dog--youre a dog---- A dog--a dog-matic curmudgeon!"


And once when I said, "We can hardly afford This extravagant style, with our moderate h.o.a.rd, And hinted we ought to be wiser.


She looked, I a.s.sure you, exceedingly blue, And fretfully cried, Youre a Jew--youre a Jew---- A very ju-dicious adviser!"


Again, when it happened that, wishing to shirk Some rather unpleasant and arduous work, I begged her to go to a neighbor, She wanted to know why I made such a fuss, And saucily said, "Youre a cuss--cuss--cuss---- You were always ac-cus-tomed to labor!"


Out of temper at last with the insolent dame, And feeling that madam was greatly to blame To scold me instead of caressing, I mimicked her speech--like a churl that I am-- And angrily said, "Youre a dam--dam--dam A dam-age instead of a blessing!"


JOHN G.o.dFREY SAXE.


HE ROSE TO THE OCCASION


Several years ago there labored in one of the Western villages of Minnesota a preacher who was always in the habit of selecting his texts from the Old Testament, and particularly some portion of the history of Noah. No matter what the occasion was, he would always find some parallel incident from the history of this great character that would readily serve as a text or ill.u.s.tration.


At one time he was called upon to unite the daughter of the village mayor and a prominent attorney in the holy bonds of matrimony. Two little boys, knowing his determination to give them a portion of the sacred history touching Noahs marriage, hit upon the novel idea of pasting together two leaves in the family Bible so as to connect, without any apparent break, the marriage of Noah and the description of the Ark of the Covenant.


When the noted guests were all a.s.sembled and the contracting parties with attendants in their respective stations, the preacher began the ceremonies by reading the following text: "And when Noah was one hundred and forty years old, he took unto himself a wife" (then turning the page he continued) "three hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in width, and thirty cubits in depth, and within and without besmeared with pitch." The story seemed a little strong, but he could not doubt the Bible, and after reading it once more and reflecting a moment, he turned to the startled a.s.semblage with these remarks: "My beloved brethren, this is the first time in the history of my life that my attention has been called to this important pa.s.sage of the Scriptures, but it seems to me that it is one of the most forcible ill.u.s.trations of that grand eternal truth, that the nature of woman is exceedingly difficult to comprehend."


POLITE


In her "Abandoning an Adopted Farm," Miss Kate Sanborn tells of her annoyance at being besieged by agents, reporters and curiosity seekers.


She says: "I was so perpetually hara.s.sed that I dreaded to see a stranger approach with an air of business. The other day I was just starting out for a drive when I noticed the usual stranger hurrying on.


Putting my head out of the carriage, I said in a petulant and weary tone, Do you want to see me? The young man stopped, smiled, and replied courteously, It gives me pleasure to look at you, madam, but I was going farther on."