Her. Part 41
CHAPTER 52.
I didn't go to breakfast on Sunday morning, after the nurse helped me clean up and after my final examination with her. I didn't even bother to say goodbye to Tai or Mena. They were all gone to Group Therapy after breakfast. I stayed behind to pack the last of my belongings into my suitcases. I finished packing and looked around one last time at the room, just to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. All that was left were the two folded blankets and Dr. Pelchat's book on Borderline Personality Disorder that I had to return to him.
I grabbed Janine's blanket and sat it on top of my suitcase. Then, as I picked up my own blanket, I looked over at Mena's bed. It was neatly made, with the thin, white blanket spread across the top. I remembered my first night in Bent Creek. How cold I was. Then I thought of when I had first met Mena. I didn't think that I could get along with her. She wasn't as mean as I had thought her to be. She was frustrated and depressed, like all of us at Bent Creek. She just showed her depression differently. I was glad that I had met her and had gotten to know her.
When I lay my own blanket out on Mena's bed, I made sure to spread it neatly so that it would cover the thin, white blanket. I folded the corners and tucked the ends so that she would know that I left it for her intentionally. I did not want there to be any mistake.
When I was almost finished, Geoffrey came into the room quietly. He had been so quiet that I didn't realize he was there until he spoke. "Kristen, Dr. Pelchat is ready to see you."
"Okay," I said. I started to grab my bags and Janine's blanket.
"You can leave that there," Geoffrey said. "I will make sure that your ride gets your bags when they arrive. Dr. Pelchat wants to meet with you before you leave. Come with me."
I left my bags and Janine's blanket behind so that Geoffrey could take care of them. Then, I grabbed Dr. Pelchat's book and followed Geoffrey out the door. As we walked, Geoffrey seemed to have something on his mind that he wanted to say, because he kept looking over at me. Before things became awkward, I spoke up.
"I can't believe today is my last day," I told him.
He smiled and sighed heavily. "It's a good thing," he said.
"I think so," I agreed. "Good luck with becoming a doctor."
We stopped in front of Dr. Pelchat's office, and Geoffrey placed a hand on my shoulder. He kept that warm smile on his face and he said, "Thank you, Kristen. Listen, right now it may seem like it's hard to leave Bent Creek, but I know that you will be all right."
"It's not that hard," I told him.
He laughed. "Okay. I know that some people usually have a hard time leaving, but maybe you are different. But, just in case it doesn't hit you until you are out of here, keep in mind that you have made great progress. You've come a long way. I see a real difference in you since the first time I saw you."
His smile and mine were genuine. His words really meant something to me. "Do you really see a difference?" I asked. "I mean a real difference?"
"Yes," he a.s.sured me. "It is a real difference. But there's one thing that hasn't changed, and I don't think you should ever change."
I waited.
"You really are an awesome person. Don't you ever forget it. No matter what you decide to do with yourself after you graduate, know that you are awesome."
I felt a tear shoot out of my eye. Geoffrey blushed when he saw me crying. I wiped my tear away and wanted to hug him badly, but I held myself back. I thanked him as he began to walk away. He waved at me, and I waved back. He strolled down the hall and left me outside of Dr. Pelchat's office, wondering.
When Geoffrey disappeared around the corner of the hall, I turned to face the door. I took a deep breath and entered without knocking. Dr. Pelchat was sitting at his desk with my chart open, writing. He looked up at me as I entered, and a huge, jolly smile appeared on his face. He seemed excited to see me.
"How are you feeling today, Kristen?"
His smile made me smile. I said, "I'm good. How are you?"
He took a deep, happy breath and sighed calmly. With the smile still stuck to his face, he said, "I'm feeling wonderful today. Thanks for asking."
"Me too. Thank you for letting me borrow this," I said as I sat his book on top of his desk. When I sat the book down, a folded sheet of paper slipped out. I s.n.a.t.c.hed the paper from the desk and slipped it into the pocket of my jeans. Dr. Pelchat took his book with grat.i.tude.
"Oh, thanks. You remembered to return it to me. Most of my patients leave with the books I let them borrow. Speaking of leaving, are you ready?"
"I'm all packed."
"I'm sure you are," he laughed.
I had never seen him so ecstatic.
"I do believe that you have outstayed your welcome here at Bent Creek," he laughed on.
I laughed with him. His happiness was contagious. Dr. Pelchat's chubby cheeks turned red as he laughed. It was nice watching him. I began to think about when I had first seen him while Geoffrey and I had been talking at the table. I'd had no idea who this man was. Then, when I had sat in on his group for the first time, he had really come down on me hard about learning about what medications I was taking. I'd thought he was going to be a mean, old man, but I had been wrong. He was a very caring and compa.s.sionate doctor. He was the best doctor I had ever had.
Dr. Pelchat stopped laughing and he looked at me. I hadn't realized that I'd rolled up my sleeves. His smile disappeared. "Kristen, what is that?" He pointed to my arms.
I looked down and saw the red wound that was only just beginning to heal. It had a scab, but it was obvious because of the redness. I quickly pulled my sleeves back down on both arms.
"No," Dr. Pelchat said. "Don't do that. Roll them back up."
Sadly, I rolled my sleeves back up to my elbows.
"Hold them out," he said. His stern demeanor was returning to normal. Jolly Dr. Pelchat went back to wherever he'd been hiding.
I held my arms out, revealing my scars, my st.i.tched wrists, and the recent cut that I was trying to hide from him.
"Why, Kristen?"
"I don't know," I said.
"You don't know," he said sternly.
"I mean, I did it because," I forced it out. "I did it because I felt that he was the only one I could run to. But, I know now that I can come to you, and I know that I can talk to Mom. I don't want to run to Mr. Sharp when I feel that I can't deal anymore. I want to be able to talk to Mom, and I want to be able to write out my feelings the way I used to. I don't want to cut anymore. And I don't want to be a loser. I don't! I really don't!"
Dr. Pelchat remained silent. He stared, and it didn't bother me that he was staring at me, because I knew that he was empathizing with me. He wanted to see if I was being sincere. I was sincere, and I meant every word I said when I said it. I wasn't going to stop there.
"You may be wondering who he is," I said. "This is probably not a good time to throw all of this on you, because this is my last day in Bent Creek. But I keep this sharp b.u.t.terfly with me." I reached into the pocket of my jeans and pulled out the pendant. I held it out in my hand so that Dr. Pelchat could see before I returned it to my pocket. His eyes followed in what looked like disbelief.
"That's Mr. Sharp. He lives in everything that is sharp. I call him Mr. Sharp because he's always helped me through this way. He would listen to me, comfort me, and help me breathe when things got too suffocating. It felt like this was the only way. Now I know that it's not. I know that I can do it without him. And I have to live without doing these things. I have to be able to deal without hurting myself. Dr. Cuvo was right. I don't deserve this, and what I did to myself was a terrible thing. When I saw how angry and hurt Nick was, and how much Alison missed me, I knew that what I had done was terrible, and I don't ever want to do it again. I want my little brother and little sister to learn the right thing to do from me, because I'm their big sister and I don't want to fail them. I can't fail, Dr. Pelchat. I can't fail this time."
"You won't fail," he said to me. He was staring into my eyes. His eyes were warm and his words remained sincere. "You won't fail, because everything you just said--I know you mean it."
"You're not mad at me for having this?" I said, gesturing to the pendant in my pocket.
Dr. Pelchat shook his head. "I'm not mad, Kristen."
"And for cutting?"
"No. I am disappointed that this happened, but I'm very proud of you for taking that big step. I know that it took a lot for you to talk about it and to admit you were cutting while you were a patient in here."
"Does that keep me from going on?"
"Not at all. If anything," he said, "It will help you move forward. I don't see any reason why you should stay here any longer as an inpatient, or for you to be sent to long-term. Not everything will be solved in one session. It is going to take time, and you know it. You are ready. You've been through a lot and you've learned a lot. Yes, Kristen, you are ready to go home." Dr. Pelchat stood up from his chair and made his way around the desk towards me. He stuck out his hand for me to shake.
I reached out my hand with every intention of shaking his hand, but something inside of me pulled me forward and my arms wrapped around him. I caught him off guard, because he didn't seem to know how to react. After he realized what was happening, I felt him hesitate, but his arms were eventually wrapped around me, too. He gave me a warm and gentle squeeze, and then he released me.
"Remember," he said, "This is not good bye. I will be seeing you soon."
"You're right," I said. "When?"
"On the sixth," he a.s.sured me.
I smiled and shook my head.
"What?" he asked.
"That's my eighteenth birthday."
"Well then, I'll have to see if we can't get you a slice of cake or something," he said.
"Really?"
"Yeah, why not? You'll be the birthday girl."
"That would be cool," I said.
We made our way to the door, and before Dr. Pelchat opened it, he said, "You're now officially discharged."
CHAPTER 53.
John's parents, Jonathan Sr. and Mariah, came to Bent Creek to pick me up. Geoffrey carried all of my bags out to their car for me. The only thing that I was allowed to carry was Janine's blanket. Jonathan insisted on helping him, but Geoffrey told him it would be his pleasure to carry my bags. I believe Geoffrey used it as an excuse to see me off. Mariah signed my papers for my release, since she and her husband were considered immediate family.
After Geoffrey was gone and we were in the car, Jonathan turned to me and said, "You all set, kiddo?"
I smiled and nodded at him. Mariah didn't have much to say to me. She looked down at my arms and frowned.
I looked up, still smiling, and I said, "It's now or never."
Mariah didn't seem convinced. I could tell she was uncomfortable because she hardly looked at me, and when she did, her eyes didn't tear away from my arms, even though they were covered by my long sleeves.
When Jonathan began to back out of the parking spot, it hit me. The warm sun that I hadn't felt against my face since summer had begun now beamed through the window, and it warmed me through. I closed my eyes so that I couldn't see Bent Creek grow smaller in the distance. I just wanted to feel the sun and not think about leaving. I was happy to be free of what I'd once considered prison, but it had turned out to be a place of salvation through the kindest peers and the most empathetic and compa.s.sionate doctors I had ever met in my life.
My eyes remained closed until I felt it was safe enough to open them again. As I opened my eyes, I remembered the sheet of folded paper that I had found in the book I'd returned to Dr. Pelchat. I reached into my pocket that held it and my b.u.t.terfly pendant. I pulled out the sheet of paper and unfolded it. When my eyes beheld what was on the paper, the tears that were trying to break free from under my eyelids slid down my cheeks.
The ill.u.s.tration of Daniel's late girlfriend gazed back at me through her dark, pencil-drawn eyes. Daniel's kind words of encouragement from his experiences and growth ran through my mind. It made me sad to realize that my time at Bent Creek was over, and there were great people that I was leaving behind, and ones that were moving on. It was harder than I thought it was going to be to leave.
Going into Bent Creek, I'd had so much doubt. I'd carried in the fears and had walked around with nothing but thoughts of hopelessness. I'd been trapped in my condemnation and restlessness of the past. Those memories had drowned me, suffocated me, and fed my soul to what was trying to destroy me--Borderline Personality Disorder.
It made me feel good to have new memories. I had to think of more things that were positive. Bent Creek had given me much to ponder. I let myself shed a few tears with a smile on my face as I said, "see you later," not "goodbye," to Bent Creek.
Jonathan broke the silence. "Kristen, you must be feeling pretty good right now. Did they help you at all in there?"
"Yes. I do feel like my time was well spent," I answered.
Jonathan seemed as if he was the only one out of the two of them who was listening. I didn't blame Mariah for the way she behaved. She'd never had a child like me to worry about. John was an exceptional person who always made good grades and didn't seem to give them a real reason to worry. Lexus was always beautiful, happy, and her family was wholesome and unbroken. Lexus was the perfect future daughter-in-law for her.
Jonathan tried to lighten the mood in the car as we rode off by turning on the radio. He pulled out a CD and looked in his rear view mirror. I noticed his eyes were on me.
He said, "How about some music, ladies? Let's listen to the tunes of..." He took his eyes off the road for a second to glance down at the CD. A puzzled look came over his face as he read aloud the name of the pop/R&B singer who was most popular for his romantic and catchy love tunes.
I knew immediately to whom that CD belonged.
Mariah laughed. She said, "It's one of the kids' CDs, honey. John and Lexus must have left it in here when they went up to Helen yesterday."
Jonathan glanced at me through the mirror. He quickly looked away.
"Yes, they did take the car yesterday. I remember. Well," he said as he stuck the CD into the player. "If it's what the kids are listening to today, then Kristen will like it. After all, we are happy to have her back with us. Right, dear?"
She nodded her head while looking out of the window.
"Yes, we are," she sighed.
She didn't sound too a.s.suring. I knew that she had always thought that I was a troubled kid. She was right. I didn't blame her for being guarded and unsure about me. I had a lot of mess to clean up, and I had a lot to prove. One of those messes I needed to clean up was with Lexus. There was no doubt in my mind that she had told John, who may have in turn told his parents, about our recent quarrel.
Jonathan said, "I hope you don't mind us coming to pick you up. Your mother didn't get out of work early enough to come get you, but she and the twins should be home by the time we get there."
"It's great," I said. "I'm really happy you came to pick me up. I missed you guys."
Jonathan smiled, and he nudged his wife playfully. She smiled at him. She began to warm up as John Mayer's soulful voice poured out of the surround-sound speakers of their SUV. The acoustics played the sounds of romance. Mariah turned to Jonathan and smiled at him.
She said, "I actually kind of like this song."
Jonathan smiled. He seemed proud of himself. It seemed like he felt he had reached his goal of lightening the mood. His charms definitely worked on his wife. He grabbed her hand and kissed it sweetly as he steered onto the highway. The music was definitely getting to them. I could only imagine what it did for John and Lexus while they were in the romantic and cozy city of Helen, Georgia. I cringed at the terrible and annoying song of romance that blasted from the perfect surround-sound stereo system. I couldn't wait to get home to see my Nick and Alison.
When we arrived, I could hardly wait for the car to stop moving so that I could get out. Mom's car was in the driveway. I knew that everyone was home. I quickly grabbed both of my bags before Jonathan could help me, and I ran towards the front door. I almost dropped everything, being in such a hurry, but I was able to make it. Before I could get my keys out of my bag, the front door flew open.
Two bodies lunged at me with full force. Alison and Nick were both hugging me. I tried my best to hug them back. Jonathan honked the horn at me. Alison and Nick let me go. I turned to the SUV and waved at them. I yelled thank you and goodbye. I started to turn away, but Mariah called out to me. I turned back to them as Alison and Nick grabbed my bags and yelled goodbye to Jonathan. They ran into the house with my bags, calling out for Mom.
Mariah leaned out of the rolled-down window. She yelled, "Tell your mother we'll call her when we get home. We are sorry we can't come in to visit, but we're still planning the engagement party, and we are overdue for the meeting with the party planner. We'll see you soon."
Jonathan added, "It's wonderful to see you home, sweetheart. See you next week!"